“Que sera sera.”
Art : Petros.
By Sakuan.
“Que sera sera.”
Nothing is perfect
Sunday.
If it happens it happens, that is how if feel about it right now, with just about everything that is supposed to happen to me that hasn’t. I can’t say I am tired of waiting because that would be assuming that I knew something was going to happen in the first place, I don’t know that, all I can do is keep on trying in the hopes that someday something will happen. There are so many times when I thought I was ready just to realize that was not the case at all, after I did a little bit more I realized how out of touch I was with reality and now that has got me second-guessing just about everything I do and I know that is a phase, at least I think it is, I hope it is. I wait because that is what I am supposed to do, I don’t wait because I want to, it is because I have to. Running my life in a way that I see fit is another thing, there is health, physical and mental that I also have to take care of, so many things that I have to be aware of and I try my best, only God knows how much I try, it has reached a point where I say things like, if it happens it happens, maybe that is the wrong mentality to go about this but what can I do, I have to wait and that is exactly what I am doing right now, I am waiting for my time. As I wait I start thinking about my future, a family, will I ever get one of my own? Will I ever find someone who wants me for me? You know it’s sad when you start thinking to yourself, “At this point, I don’t care if I have a family or not, I can’t keep forcing everything in my life.” There are so many aspects of life you have to try, sometimes it feels exhausting to care… “Que sera sera.”
Monday.
Change is good they said, I think sometimes it is good but that’s neither here nor there. I have had changes in the past and some were good, I know how to feel now when it comes to things that require change, and I know how to behave when push comes to shove. I have plenty of ways to deal with different situations all thanks to what I have learned within the past few years. Change can be good but let us not forget how bad it can get if it is not monitored, let us not forget how change can harm us, why fix something that is not broken, that is how I approach some situations, sometimes all you need to do is let time run its course and in the end, everything works out. I am hesitant when it comes to change, there is a problem with that and that is the fact that I don’t know when to apply the waiting game and when to act immediately, there have been times when I didn’t act when the right response would have been to act and vice versa. To make everything worse I am one of those people that doesn’t like to share their feelings with other people, I could go to a therapist and talk to someone for some help but I can’t get myself to do it because they are getting paid to be there, I am paying them for my time why wouldn’t they pander to me? Now that the laws are changing where therapists are required by law to affirm whatever you say when it comes to some topics, how can I trust the “science” to look for help, I am going there in the first place because I am confused and I need help the last thing I would want or need is a “Yes man.”
Tuesday.
An angel is what you are and I will always love you for that, you showed me how to become the person I am today and you helped me beat all the demons that I thought I had, you made me realize and understand that it was all in my head, I still love though, so you were wrong about that. Love is real and it can be real if you let it be, I know you liked shutting people down and I would too if I experienced the childhood that you did, I feel bad for what you had to go through and I hope that someday you will come out of it, I hope that someday someone who you click with comes along and sweeps you out of your feet, I hope that you can experience this feeling someday, it is a good feeling I can’t explain it but it is great. I know I can be over-happy at times as you used to say but you have to look at the world in my eyes for you to get it, it is a beautiful world out here, you just have to know what to take in and what not to take in, the price of happiness can be something and it can be nothing it all depends on how you look at the world. You taught me how to live with myself I wish I had the means and the hows to teach you how to love yourself, it is a hard fit for a lot of people and I get it I just don’t know how I could help someone to get out of that prison, I am a man of strength whatever that means, I can do things that people find admirable, things like love myself and I am not talking about just saying the words but I show that through my actions, of course, I am not perfect in that too because I am human and we all have flaws, for starters I don’t drink or smoke so that’s good…
Wednesday.
Why is everybody sheep? That is what it feels like, it looks like everybody is turning sheep these days, and the more I see that with the world the more I get mad, I don’t know if this is a natural feeling to have but I have it so does that really matter? There is this program that we all follow, because it is in the rules no one can change them, it feels like we are all sheep. When you are in court fighting for yourself with your own money and the other party has no lawyer so the states appoints them one, where is the state getting money to appoint the lawyers, I’m guessing tax money, so let me get this straight, I am out here fighting for my life, I am the victim and I want the other person to go to jail and yet here I am technically paying both our lawyers’ fees? How sad, and get this, if I win and the other person has to go to jail for a long time guess who is paying for his or her lifestyle while they are in jail, you guessed it right, my tax money, justice was served I guess. This is why I prefer not to think about the system too much because I will end up losing my mind and that is never a good thing, it never is. We are all sheep, and it is sad to see, I think that is the only way we can all live in peace by being sheep and being controlled, an acceptable level of control, traffic lights are a good example of what an acceptable level of control is, I am with that and a few other ways of control that help our society live in peace. It is hard to make everybody happy, but that doesn’t mean stop trying even though in reality why try when you know it is impossible?
Thursday.
Time flies when you are living, that is the point. You blink and three years of your life are gone, what did you do with that time, that doesn’t really matter, dwelling doesn’t matter, it only prolongs or introduces anxiety in your life, trust me I know all about it. Staying in a positive mindset all along is something that I try my best to do, it is hard at times but that is a risk I am willing to experience because if not that then what? I care about other people, at least I think I do and I am true to whatever it is that I believe, I try to. When you blink and you realize you are about to turn thirty and you still haven’t done anything special with your life, a month goes by and you are still wondering what you should do with your life, it is scary at times, you not knowing what your future holds is scary and it is even scarier if you don’t know what your future can hold, I have been there and trust me I still go there from time to time, it is a depressing place, it is a place I would never want anybody I love and care about to go through. I know I talk a lot about things that can be heartbreaking and sad but the truth is the truth and I’d rather have it than lie to myself that I am perfect the way I am because I am not and there is always room for improvement for anybody, why that is so hard to grasp for some people I have no clue. Keep on pushing, I do that hopping there I found an oasis in this desert we call life, a small break would be appreciated, the next man never takes breaks so I can’t either…
Friday
I worry a lot and it is warranted in my opinion, especially when it has to do with people I care about, people I love. That is the one thing that makes me mad, it is a good thing but it somehow requires me to be the most of what I think I can be, sometimes it feels like it asks for too much, it requires too much of my attention and I don’t know how to act when that happens, should I accept it for what it is or should I say no every time this thing creeps up and requires my attention, this is a question I ask you and only you because you know me and you know everything I know. I can’t lie sometimes it gets too much to a point where I wonder what would my life be if I had no one, for starters I know my life would be worse because you need people around you, you need a community to nurture you, and if you are lucky you will fall under a good community, I love myself and I love what that does to me, just thinking about it makes me wonder. Now I feel like my life is in shambles the last time I had this feeling was when I had nothing to my name, I still have nothing to my name physically but when it comes to a purpose and meaning I have everything I ever needed to start and that keeps me going, that keeps me wondering, that keeps me searching for that one thing that we are all looking for and if I knew what that thing was then I wouldn’t be looking for it, would I? I think maybe I worry too much, what happened to it’s never as bad as it seems. I know what happened, even though it is never as bad as it seems in your head there is always that fear and possibility that it could be…
Saturday.
Pressure. Sometimes it is a good thing and sometimes it is not welcomed in my life, I don’t have a clear definite answer when it comes to pressure, all I know is that it makes me who I am, it makes me do things that I wouldn’t usually do and that keeps me on point. You have to know how to use it to your advantage, you have to know how to approach everything with proper care, you have to know when to stop and that is the most important thing of them all, know when to stop. Don’t let the pressure get to you, you are a valuable person to others and when a lot of people depend on you, I know sometimes it feels like a curse but believe me when I say this that is a compliment as well because that means you are something to them and don’t let that go to waste. Do you know how many people want that in their lives, there are a lot of people out there who want what you have, they want to be something, they want to matter, and they want to be a part of something big but they are not and yet here you are complaining about all the good things you have, in your eyes they might feel like a burden but in hindsight, it always never is a burden, the sad part about it all is that the only way for you to know this is by making mistakes and learning from them, you cannot be scared of making mistakes, you cannot be scared of seeing yourself of who you really are in other people’s eyes, you have to be strong through all of that for that is the only way you can come out of this alive, believe me when I say this, I am who I am because of the good and the bad that has happened in my life thus far.
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
