Jottings.
Art : Peitho.
By Sakuan.
Open up.
Why am I not taking my own advice, I should never stop, why did I stop? The more I relax the more the time passes and I of all people should know this. Once you take a break it is hard to get back to whatever it is that you were doing, this has been my experience with certain things, especially if you have no direction as to where you want to go exactly, why is the fire that was previously in me not there anymore, what changed? I wonder. Why do I not feel like I got it in me anymore, is it the learning of new things that discouraged me from pushing on? I think it is the thought of learning new things that are pulling me back, learning new things every now and then can be good but to be honest with you it is tiring at times because your brain can only handle so much new information and I am at a point where my brain tells me it can’t take it anymore, and I am here to support it with whatever it wants as it keeps me going in other aspects of my life. How do I get myself out of this mess that I put myself in? Is it normal to experience this? I hope I had someone to share all of this with, but when I think of introducing my problems to someone else I feel sick, even thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. Do I have a problem? Should I be open to opening myself up to other people? I think I should because people say it is healthy, I don’t feel that way, why would I bother someone else with my problems when they have problems of their own? Maybe different people have different specialties and it doesn’t hurt to seek help from someone who is well-versed in places that you are troubled in. It is not a burden because that is what they are good at, that is why they exist. I figured for me to stop feeling bad about burdening other people with my problems I needed to be good at something so that people can come to me when they need help, and that way I will be giving and taking, it sort of balances it all out, that is a perspective that helped me and it might help you too, think about it…
Scared to.
Love, I get why it happens and why it has to happen but I don’t understand it fully, maybe at all. How can a feeling like that affect us in such a big way? How can one be so confident with themselves that they allow the next person to be by their side for the rest of their life, I am jealous because my trust in people doesn’t run that deep. The feeling of love has had many theories in the past and still has today, we still don’t understand what it is fully, and we don’t understand how it exists and how it can be enforced, we are taught as young children to love one another, how do we do that if we don’t know what it is? It is not like a disease where you can find out what causes it and then find a cure, it is a feeling that we are yet to understand, a feeling that I am yet to understand. Have you ever been in love? I don’t know if I have, people say when it happens you will know, I didn’t and I don’t know if I ever will, it is too complicated for a person like me. For me, to love is so complicated, this is because there are a lot of feelings that are involved with love as far as I know, and I am fully aware it is my duty to find out what love is to me. Where does one ever start to do this? There is the rub, you have to be strategic and careful about it, you can’t go out there opening yourself to everybody you meet along the way, you have to mind the people you choose to be in your life, and you have to be willing to sacrifice things that mean so much to you, things that are rightfully yours, expensive things like your time and possessions have to be shared with this other person and you have to know when to cut them loose before it is too late, and this is barely scratching the surface on what you have to beware of. I know a little thing about this so-called love and that is because there was a time when I thought I was in love, maybe I am using the word ‘thought’ because it didn’t work out but just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, when I was in it, even for that short time it was something beautiful…
Perspective of.
Being excited about things that make you happy, I am at times. The one thing holding me back is the number of things that I have to do or rather the things that I don’t have to do, sometimes I wish I was already successful in life so I wouldn’t have to go through all these struggles that I am currently going though, I wouldn’t have to figure out a lot of the things that I feel like I am required to understand, but there is always two sides of the coin, and that is one. On the other side, if I was born rich then I would have to learn how to appreciate how fortunate I would have been and I think even though that would have been the preferred situation, it is way harder to appreciate what you have if you didn’t work for it or if you have never experienced the other side than it is trying to get out of a difficult situation. As someone who has lived most of his nurtured life in a third-world country, I can confirm that it is sometimes hard to hear people in a first-world country complain about how tough they have it here and how they want to leave the country because it is not a good place to live in if only they knew how privileged they are, but that is the curse of not knowing, I can’t blame them for thinking that because they don’t know what outside looks like and that is something to think about. I was fortunate enough to experience what the two sides of the coin can bring and I can appreciate it all without being in denial of how good I have it now here as opposed to how I had it before. It is all a matter of perspective and I know how tricky perspective can be when trying to explain it to someone who can’t even fathom what it could be like living in a broken poor economy. I know I can be hard to get along with at times but that is not because I don’t want to be, it is because of who I am at my core, I want to change but as we all know changing is a hard thing to do…
How?
I try my best to be the best I can but it keeps falling short and I don’t know why, I don’t understand why this thing they call life can’t go my way, I have tried everything I could to be the person I am expected to be but nothing seems to be working for me, maybe it is time I call it quits and not try at all, maybe that is when the doors will open for me. You can be anything you want as long as you put your mind to it they said, why do we lie to our children day in and day out, it is true but there is one problem with that truth, everything seems to be subjective, people from different societies arguing about different ways of living. This is the most insane thing thus far when it comes to arguments, how can two people with two different world views agree to live in peace? In the United States, there are two major political parties with different beliefs, imagine what it is like to try and share your point of view with someone from another country, we can’t get along in our own country why are we expecting every country in the world to get along? It makes no sense whatsoever, different states have different laws, and that in itself is confusing and annoying, why is it that if I do something in this state it is fine but if I do the same thing in another state it will land me in jail, please make it make sense. Are we all inclined to never question this because it is how it is and it is true and should be followed because that is just how it is? This is all confusing and frustrating, especially when you see people moving to a different state because it favors whatever it is that they have going on in their lives, there is no unity in the country, makes you wonder, with all this chaos how did it manage to become the richest and most powerful country in the world?
Lost.
When you lose someone, how do you convince yourself everything is going to be okay? How can you become the person you want to become without risking your sanity? When you lose someone you love how do you become okay again? The fear is what is killing me, I know when the time comes, I will act the way I will act, I don’t know how but I hope I act in a healthy way, we all experience tragedy and we all respond to it in our different ways, I used to be scared of death, I still am from time to time but it is a different type of scared, I no longer hide and cry myself to sleep when I have a thought that the people I love will someday have to leave me forever. The thought itself is sad but I can’t do anything about it because that is life and it is inevitable, it happens to everybody and I am no exception, and I have to be okay with that. How to deal with all of it is what I am trying to understand, the fear of losing someone is scary let alone someone you love. I can’t imagine how it feels for a parent to lose a child, it is sad and unfair for a mother or a father to bury their own child. Losing a spouse too soon is another thing, how do you move on from that, how do you adjust, how do you have the courage to love again? If you break up with someone it is easier to move on in a way because at least you have a chance to say goodbye and there is a possibility that after a few weeks, months, or years you would get back together after reflecting on what went wrong in the relationship, but when they die, they are gone forever, you will never see them ever again, never experience them again and all that is left is their memory in your head…
Rose.
I wonder how it feels like to be a man, I am a woman. This is a question and not a stance, this is something that is stuck in my head and I am trying to find an answer, it is not a hill that I am willing to die on because I don’t fully understand it, once I do then maybe I might choose to die on it, but for now, all I have is question after question that I hope are answered by someone or something. For all the people who think they were born in the wrong body, how do you know that? How can you tell what it feels like to be a woman or a man if you have never experienced what it is like to be a woman or a man? No man can ever explain something as small as what sex for a woman feels like, how come some people are so sure of themselves that what they feel is how it feels like to be a woman or a man? How can you feel like you are something that has never existed in your reality? These are just questions, help me understand. I am assuming it is all emotion-based if there is one thing that I have learned is that you can’t run your life based on emotions because you will be doomed, and one good example is war, war is something that we never wish for it to happen but it does and it will always happen because people have different opinions when it comes to different subjects, and when the time comes you ought to be prepared. In this country, we are always in a political war between the left and the right and it gets violent a lot, probably more than anyone in a first-world country would be proud of or like to admit, the most powerful country in the world always in a political war. Wars are inevitable and the sad thing about them is that instead of trying to find a middle ground, each side is always trying to win, each side is always fighting of how right they are and how wrong the other side is, it is not possible to come to a middle ground because we are human…
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
