SHAME.
Art : SHAME.
By Sakuan.
Why should I ever tell you my name, all you are going to do is judge me for what it isn’t. Here let me talk about a someone that has been with me since I could remember, they are a bit shy and I have to say it suits them very well. I don’t have an introduction for you today but I hope that doesn’t shy you away from listening to what I have to say for it is important, I know it is because it affects me too. I am not that unique of a human being so I know this might also be happening to you, we are in this together and I hope you accept me for who I am and not for who I am not. Here goes something…
You see I used to think just like you before my mind got corrupted…
All of this stems from something, maybe it is my childhood, maybe that is how you got in there, I allowed you in, I know I was at fault but I was young I didn’t know any better, I had not lived life, not one bit and there you were already trying to ruin my life. To be fair it wasn’t all bad, but still.
What can I do with you, I am embarrassed to acknowledge you as a partner, you don’t look good in my repertoire, and you only make me look bad among the people I respect. With you, on my side, I have missed out on a lot of things and with you, on my side, I have also escaped a lot of hurt and pain. That might look like a good thing but trust me when I tell you this, it is not always good, how do you learn when you are not willing to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation, how do you plan to progress, I hope you have a plan because I am out of them. I used to be good at this, but now you took over and I don’t know what to do, it’s not the nerves that control me, and it’s not pride either, I don’t see the point of it all, why try when there is a possibility that you can fail, how can I try when I already told myself there is no point of trying, I am sorry for thinking this way, but this is who I became and I don’t like it and neither should you, you should be sorry because without you there is no this version of me, I still love you. I will never part ways with you because you keep me company when I am alone and lonely and in need of someone to talk to, I wish you had a face that I can confide in, you are only a voice in my head, I wonder who put you there, it can’t be me, I think the only thing I did was invite you in. I think life is catching up to me, I never used to be like, I know I keep saying that but please believe me when I say this, I never used to be like this, I used to smile, I used to laugh, now I have no reason to do any of that and I don’t think that will ever change, is this why people confide in something they can always come back to, something like a prayer, I wish I knew God like they do, because then I would have a reason to have hope, now it’s just ache and pain that lingers both my head and heart and I don’t know which of the two hurts more, I don’t know how to move forward, here I am thinking and thinking, wondering what you look like. Why do you want me to be like you to others, you don’t want me to show them the real me, why do you want me to hide my face, I want to be seen by those that care, they are nowhere to be found though, I don’t know where to look, where are they?
Attention, I tell myself I don’t need it but for you to succeed in life that is all you need, your life doesn’t only belong to you but to everyone else. You cannot make it on your own, you cannot live on your own, and you’d be dead if that were the case. You need clothes to keep you warm in the winter, and unless you can make your own clothes from scratch then you need other people to make them for you, in other words, you need other people to stay alive. You need shelter, and if you can’t make one on your own, you guessed it right, it is time for you to find someone who can build you a shelter, you can’t grow your own food, well you know the drill by now. You need other people, you have to let me contribute to something in this world, I don’t want to use other people for the rest of my life, let me provide something to the community, let me be of help, please, I want people to come to me for something, I want to be needed. You help me at times so I don’t want you completely out of my life I just want you to tone it down when it comes to controlling my life. Please do that for me if you truly love me, what even is love?
People ask me all the time why I can’t let you go, they think it’s easy, but how do I get rid of something that I don’t even know how it got in here in the first place? I want to know how you got in here so that I can stop you from ever coming in here again. They don’t get that because they don’t get us, they don’t get this relationship we have, it is pure and unique. I guess they are right it is time to change, I know I keep saying that and you don’t believe me, but trust me this time I am serious, I think…
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
