RAW IMPERFECTIONS.
Art : EDEN.
By Sakuan.
Sunday
Winning. I wish I was more of a winner and sometimes I wish I was more than a winner when I win. I see, what I see because that is what I want to see and I do what I do because that is what I think I should do, sometimes I am right and sometimes I am wrong. I want to make something out of myself, easier said than done I understand that but at the end of the day I still have to hope for that is the thing that keeps me going, I know life can be stressful, but I am not alone in that department, I just want to win and call it a day. I see people with beautiful houses, and I see people with beautiful things around them, I am not supposed to worship wealth, but I need it, that is the reason we do anything in life, anything meaningful at least. We go to school, not because we love learning but because we are told when are young that for us to have a better future this is what we have to do. We chase money all our lives some people get it exactly how they want and most people don’t, there is the rub. Some people get it and don’t know what to do with it while others never get to have their dreams come true, and this is so evident in our lives. A lot of people’s dreams is to do something nice for their parents, the biggest thing that I hear people say is that they want to buy their parents a house and I think and wonder to myself my parents or their parents must have felt the same way that I am feeling right now, they must have dreamt of buying their parents a nice house and getting them out of poverty and it clearly did not happen, not it is your turn to do it and the reality is it might not happen for you either but hope is all you have, so keep on pushing for there is nothing else you’d rather do than to keep on trying…
Monday
Insecurities that keep you safe, when we talk about insecurities it is always about something that is bad, we all look at our insecurities as things that we are supposed to get rid of, that might be true but hear me out, I believe there are things that keep people safe and certain insecurities is one of these things, I am insecure, not insecure in everything but in some things, things that the society has deemed that it is necessary for you to have or be. Me having all these sorts of insecurities has helped me a lot in some situations, don’t get me wrong they have hindered me and it hasn’t been great when it comes to that, but can you say you are a failure when an insecurity of yours has literally saved your life. The time has come for me to change, I have said that a lot and it is time for me to change, that is what I feel about that and it is time for me to become a new person, it is time for me to be the person that I always knew I could become, the slings and arrows that come my way have to be stopped one way or another. I have seen pain and what it can do to someone and I hope I don’t get any anytime soon but I am not god I don’t get to decide what happens and what doesn’t, the time has come for me to pick up after myself and acknowledge that I am a person of substance whatever that means, the day is still here for me to take and I have to be the one to take the foot forward and become who I always wanted to be. I might not make sense right now but trust me when I say this, the time has come for the better things in life to take their course, life is great and beautiful…
Tuesday.
Sick is what I feel, with all the plans that you make you never account for how you might wake up, especially if you were healthy the day before, I woke up sick today and it sucks, let me tell you. It is not that bad, I know how I might have gotten sick and the only way to get back to full health is to eat healthy and keep on business running as usual in my daily life. It sucks to be on this side of the table when it comes to health issues. I haven’t gotten sick in a long time and it was about time it happened, I hope this is like it always is, the last time I got seriously sick was about four or five years ago and it has always been like that, so I know once I heal up, I won’t be sick for a long time, that is assuming I haven’t jinxed myself. I feel for people who have to go through this and even a hundred times worse when it comes to being terminally ill, the pain they endure, and that is just talking on the physical level, the emotional pain drains you even more especially if you have no one to take care of you, how does one manage, how do you accept life for what it is at that point, how do you become a positive person after going through all that, how do you keep on having hope that maybe someday you will get better and accomplish a lot of great things, how do you cope with the fact that life itself is beautiful, how can you tell me that I am lucky when all I know is pain and sorrow, riddle me that and if you can’t then please don’t ask of me what you can’t explain…
Wednesday.
When times are tough is it okay to do whatever it is that you have to do to go to the next level? When times are tough is it okay to betray someone for your own good? When times are tough is it okay to abandon your loved ones because you have to do whatever it is that you have to do in order to survive? I pity those who have to make tough decisions like these, me included, I have made mistakes I can’t deny that and I have seen people make stupid mistakes that could have been easily avoided, I am not saying much I know that, but hear me out, the amount of times I have seen this makes me wonder what the difference between right and wrong is. I know there is a big difference there but who gets to decide what those are, the government, God, society in general? Who gets to say stealing is bad, and who gets to say women have close to no rights, and why are some of these things justified in some communities and looked down upon and shamed in others, what makes this okay, culture? Why do people hold on to culture as their lives depended on them, there are different cultures all around the world, and preserving them is what I am told I should do, to be honest with you I don’t know why I have to do that all I know is that it is a thing that I should do as a person and I should also do it with the most utter respect. I can’t question it because that would be considered insensitive if it isn’t my own culture, I am expected to take it for what it is even if it is wrong in my eyes…
Thursday.
The day is upon me to do whatever it is that I want to do, the time has come for me to conquer my demons, the time for me to reap what I sow, the time for me to realize that life is precious and I should live every day like there is no other. Nerves getting to me is something that I have to deal with, that is something that I have to get over if I want to keep on living a peaceful in this life, I prefer doing something fast and at the moment than letting it linger in my mind for more time than it is supposed to, that is my pray or should I say that is what I am hoping for. I have done things that I regret and so did everybody else out there, everybody who dares to dream, anybody who dares to stand for something, anybody who dares to say what they truly feel about anything, that might not be the healthiest thing to do for now or maybe ever but let me tell you something, it does feel good to let everything off your chest, it does feel good to let everyone know how you feel about certain things, this could be the difference between you staying alive and you meeting your maker, I know what I know because this is what I decided to know. That makes sense to me and I hope it makes sense to you too. Do you live life today like there is no tomorrow or do you live life every day like tomorrow never comes, probably the same thing but who cares I am out here trying my best to be the best person I could be, and in most cases, I have to be that person not because I want to but because that is who I have to become.
Friday.
Money doesn’t make you happy.
Money makes you happy.
That is the question that we are all plagued with, for starters, I don’t like that question and it is not because of the reasons you might think I have but it is because I don’t believe that is a fair question and for when it is asked it is set in a way that makes one look so self-centered, that is not what life is about.
Some people say money doesn’t make you happy and I say it does and if it doesn’t then I will find and make a way for it to make me happy.
Okay, what makes you happy then? Some people say family, loved ones, career, and so on. Then that makes me wonder to myself, what if your family isn’t happy, how are you happy? You need money to be happy, I think happiness is a seasonal thing, the way we phrase it is not healthy at all because we assume that once we find it it’s going to be here forever, nobody is ever that lucky, you get sprouts of happiness from time to time no matter where you are at, no matter your situation, there are things that get you excited and that is how I live my life. I find it comical when I see people trying to chase and find happiness, that is not a thing, at least I don’t think so, but who am I to tell you what is and what isn’t, it is your life and only you know what that means. But the one thing I know is that people don’t get happiness and then have it forever, it can go away at any time depending on what you define happiness as.
What is happiness?
Saturday.
Imperfection is what I call it, I have always been self-conscious of whatever it is that I did and I am tired of it, I always try to be perfect with whatever it is that I do, I always try to be calculated and that is great but that does one thing, it makes me not put out the things I write and that is a toxic mentality because I have a lot of work that I wrote that I never put out, I also have a lot of art that I made that aren’t out yet and I think that is not a good thing. Maybe it is time that I overcome my fear and do whatever it is that I want to do. Maybe I do that because of laziness, who knows? So far everything every time I was nervous about doing something and then did the thing it has never turned out how I thought it would, everything has been smooth and that is a statement of mine that I hope would be engraved in my head because this has always been the case and yet here I am, still getting nervous of being imperfect. Nobody is perfect and I somehow don’t seem to understand that, I want to get this off my shoulder. I think a lot and I am impatient, waiting in the short term is something that I don’t fancy at all, what I mean by this is the fact that I can wait for years when I am doing something that I know is long term and never get tired of it but then when I go to a store and there is a waiting line at the checkout then I get impatient and I can’t even count the number of times I have put everything back and just walked out of the store. Waiting in the short term has always been hard for me, it doesn’t make sense at all, does it to you? Is this an insecurity of mine?
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
