NERVOUS.
Art : Prisoner.
By Sakuan
NERVES.
My name is Kole and I have thoughts lingering in my brain that I have to get out, this is the only way I can, I write, these are just but words, sometimes thoughts come out of nowhere, judge me for my actions not my thoughts, let me write in peace, for it is that I wish we all live in peace. HOPE.
1. ME
I get nervous every time I am about to do something that has got other people’s eyes on me. I don’t think I care about what other people think about me, I thought I didn’t, and why is it such a bad thing to care? We should care about what other people think, how can we advance as human beings if we choose not to see the faults in our actions? For example, if someone was to tell me I was a bad writer, my initial thought should not be, “ I don’t care what you think about my work, I will still keep on doing it.” Although that is the right attitude, it could be better, how about, “ that person said I am a bad writer, why did he say that? Where can I improve? How can I improve? Maybe I should ask him/her what they meant.” That is a better way to handle it because you get to understand and figure out what they meant. The nerves get to me when I am about to experience a new situation, sometimes I take a deep breath, never works for me. The only thing that works for me is preparation, knowing exactly how I am going to handle the situation if certain things happen, that has helped me a lot. I realized this as a strategy when I was in college, for the tests that I didn’t study for I was always nervous, but for the ones I had studied for and was confident about, I was never nervous, I took that reality and used it in just about everything that might make me nervous in my life.
About to go out on a date, well just picture every scenario possible and plan out how you are going to act when encountered with it and I realized I never got nervous.
Public speaking, well prepare your speech and practice every single thing you’re going to say, where you’re going to focus your eyes on, and all of a sudden the nerves aren’t as big as they would be otherwise.
There is one thing that I’m yet to figure out how not to be nervous about and that is for the people around me, the people that love and respect me, family, and friends. I can’t control their nerves, and their nerves make me nervous, that is a tough fight.
2. FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
I can’t lie I am nervous, just a tad, today is the day. I am not nervous for myself but for the people around me. Why is it that I care more about their feelings than I care about mine, is this a thing that I should be proud of or is this a thing that I should aim to change? Please help me understand where I am to stand, does this mean I am compassionate and caring because I care about their feelings? If not how can I flip that to a positive?
I love more than I hate, that could be it. Who am I to claim that is the right thing to do? Sometimes I wonder if any of this really matters. I catch myself thinking that all the time and then I remind myself, sometimes when in Rome you have to do what they do, you have to conform to their way of living, even this concept in itself is a slippery slope, how can you be yourself when you are in a place where your true self is considered a taboo or an immoral way of living. Do you have to sacrifice your morality for whatever it is that you want to accomplish? Sometimes yes, most of the time no, that is my genuine answer. I think I matter and whatever I feel should be respected but only to some extent because I share this world with other people, people who have different thoughts and different ways of doing things than me, and that I have to respect, and I pray that by doing that they return the same favor to me in good faith. HOPE.
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I Finished reading [Factotum by Charles Bukowski] on September 27, 2022. –(Took me 13 days – This was my thirteenth book)
I started reading [Women by Charles Bukowski] on September 28, 2022.
