Kali.
Art : No Face No Case.
By Sakuan.
Kali.
Friday. (night before free)
What is smoking, why do people go to it? I wonder about these things at times, we all know it is bad for our health and yet we still do it like there is no tomorrow, literally. I am always saddened when I see young high school children vape or smoke and they somehow justify why they do it. I’ll be honest it doesn’t feel good to be a part of a society that cannot do anything about that single fact, at least that is what it feels like, with all the medical advancements we have made we still can’t find a way to regulate stuff like this. That is the emotional side of me talking, (back to reality) I know it is not as simple as turning an on or an off switch, that I know for a fact because when dealing with a society, you not only have to focus of the bad or good you have to focus on both and since you have different people of different beliefs it gets complicated. You might encounter a situation where one person will see an action as right and the next will see it as wrong and at this point, you are not only trying to judge what is right or wrong according to you rather you’ll be viewing beliefs from both sides, and that is one hard thing to do. Sometimes I look at a regular person on the street working as a janitor, they look like they are in their forties and I ask myself what my future holds. I do believe at one point that janitor had dreams of becoming something bigger than what they are at that moment, then I look at my life, I have those dreams and I wonder where I will end up, it is a sad thing to think about and I do need to have those thoughts, that is a reality that I have to go through, that is my reality… the journey into the unknown.
Saturday. (“freedom”)
This is a journey I have to take now that I am somewhat free, this is the shape of me now and there is nothing else I can do, trust me I have tried everything they’ve told me and I still can’t seem to figure it all out. Why did life have to be so complicated? This journey I am on is challenging and even worse confusing, I don’t know when to start and I don’t know when to stop, which makes me wonder what the point is, I am saddened by everything that comes with it and everything that might come with what I am chasing. I am scared of success, I am afraid of what success brings, the accountability that it comes with, and the things that we have to go through in order to fit in. What is the point of all the success if you can’t share it with anyone? I have people that depend on me, I have people that look up to me for help, to them I am the only way out and the pressure gets to me at times I can’t lie, but I am still here I think that is a good thing. Since I work and I am somewhat lucky they depend on me but they already have families and I don’t, I sacrificed having a family to get to this success and now that I am here it is bittersweet. Having no family, I can’t believe that is what I convinced myself was freedom, how can one not want a family, the nights are cold, the holidays are quiet, no one celebrated my birthday, no one visits my mental space, I have no mandatory responsibility since I don’t have children, it irks me I can’t lie, I get no phone calls, I will never get to walk a daughter down the aisle, I will never get to experience raising a child, maybe it is not too late, who am I kidding? Where do I go from here? Who do I call? Where do I call my own? Who will listen? Why did I have to be human?
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
