Smooth.
Art : Smooth.
By Sakuan.
These are thoughts of a man named John, he was always trying to be a man of his word, he never succeeded, he was always trying to become great, he never succeeded, he always had words, words that cut like sharp blades, he was never perfect, nobody is, these are some of his words. No body is perfect he always said and I believe that. What of perfection.
Sunday.
Being great and what it means to you, are some people always great by nature, that is what it seems like, there are people who do whatever they want and still end up succeeding, there are people who work so hard but never win, how come this is the case, is it a matter of luck? Is it nature trying to tell us something? What is it? How come there are people who are champions in whatever field they are in, how are they that good? It can’t be talent alone, it can’t be hard work alone, something has to give. A lot of people have talent and a lot of people work hard but not everybody gets to win, is it a pareto distribution? How can this be, people say if you fail enough times you are bound to succeed but that hasn’t always been the case I have seen, of course that happens a lot, at the same time it doesn’t and that is dependent on one thing and one thing only, perspective. What you see as a success to me it might not be, what you see as failure to me it might not be, most of the time in life we don’t get what we want and when we do we sometimes find it not to be what we expected it to be, this is a sad reality that we exist in as human beings and I can’t stress enough how humbling such an experience can be if you let it. I care when I fail, and it is not always the case that I did something wrong but I understand that sometimes things happen for no reason, why does gravity pull us down, it just does, why are we floating in space, we just do, why does the wind blows, it just does, why do we care, we just do…
Monday.
When the time comes everything will be fine, I feel like I am losing it, it was just the other day that I was proud of myself and my work but the more I look into it the more I realize that I have no where to go, the more I realize that life is a stressful thing, the more I realize that if I don’t get my stuff together then I will be in for a rude awakening, I have seen what happens to things or people who don’t do what they need to do in life and let me tell you it is not a pleasant sight, I have witnessed a lot of things in my life and I have to say that I have learned a lot. I get these different moods and they are all based on whether I get what I want or not and it is a sad thing to go through, confusing as well, when you sit there and wonder why there is such a huge hole in your life you realize that the hole is there not because you want it to be but because it has to be and I can say this for a fact because, there is always a positive and a negative that is how the world is balanced, there has to be a student and teacher, a thief and a police officer, a child and an adult and the list goes on an on. So when I experience some hardships in my life I don’t look at it as a burden even though at times it is, I accept it as something that I have to go through in order to get a tougher skin or to get some sort of lesson out of it, sometimes I am lucky enough to get the lesson and sometimes I sit there and wonder to my self, “what has my life come to?”
Tuesday.
Lac of motivation, where do you find it after this thing strikes you, where do you apply the pressure, where do you get the satisfaction of all of this, where do you keep your mind after this happens to you, how do people get through this? Why am I so stressed when it comes to this? Who cares for me? And why does that matter to me? I have a lot going on in my life to the point where I lose count of what could be and what should be, I think I will be fine, I think I will be okay when it comes to sanity, I have seen things, bad things and I turned out fine this is nothing I will get over it and be fine just like I always am, it is good to say this to myself for it gives me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have a lot of things to tell you, I have things I have done that I am not proud of, so has everyone out there and I don’t beat myself for those things for I understand that I didn’t know any better at the time and not I know more than enough to realize that those things that I did were wrong I have to change, I had to change to become the person I am today and I have sympathy for those that haven’t discovered that yet, it is a good feeling, it is a nice discovery, it feels good to know that you can amount to something good, it is nice to finally experience what people mean when they say they woke up happy. I always wondered why I was down most of the time but then I stumbled upon some teachings and tried some things, and let me tell you it was worth it, it was all worth it…
Wednesday.
Do dreams mean anything, I know it does for it is there, is it there without a reason, how can it just happen? Does it happen because they have to happen and why are they morbid at times, why are they confusing and why would I even think that they would mean something? I believe coincidences are one of the main things that makes someone believe in something, when something happens to you and you just happened to do something that you believed was going to make that thing happen then right there is your proof that what you believe in worked, at the same time that you believe you had something to do with it you have to remember this same thing has happened to million’s of people out there, and these people didn’t necessarily believe in what you believe, so how do you explain that? I know it is confusing because I am confused by how the universe works, not scientifically but with all the other phenomenon that science itself can’t fully explain, for instance the concept of time, why people dream, where does dejavu come from, or even how we came to be. So far all we have are theories on how we came to be, and at the end of the day we will never know for sure because a theory is just that, a theory. There are reasons why we are all different in our own ways, there are reasons why we do what we do, there are reasons why we can never afford to stop inventing, there are reasons why we cry when we are sad and smile when we are happy, we can only imagine where that comes from and why we do it, science can bring about all the evidence it wants but that doesn’t negate the fact that the universe, hell earth itself is too complicated for any human being to put a finger on what is what or when is when…
Thursday.
Seeing things go your way, when the world opens up to you, that has to be one of the best things that can happen to you, you can become excited and for once it is justified, I can tell you that there are things that we do as people that gets us the things we want in life. I can finally do whatever I want we think, we care so much that we become wary of every movement we make, that is the reality of some of our lives, we care so much to a point where we forget to live, I am excited at times to see the amount of things that can happen to someone, sometimes life beats you up and drags you, and still expects you to respect it and that is not fair but it is life and that is what it does so what can you really do about it, do you care enough to look at it in the face and say what you want, remember there is always consequences of what you do and what you don’t do so it is okay for you to think twice or even more than that before you do any thing, I can clearly say that I do this but not as much as I should. There are things that people have over me, things that I would prefer not to have but they are there are I am shocked that just that fact hasn’t stopped me from trying my best to accomplish what I want to accomplish. In reality I should have given up a long time ago but here I am, still trying my best to be the best I can with what I got and it is going well, I can’t complain about what I have because I know it is a privilege to have what I have…
Friday.
I don’t know anymore, I don’t know what can be done to become the person I want to become, I don’t know what can be done to help me become the person they want me to be, my shadow doesn’t trust me, I am in this alone, I know that and I realize that for a fact, the amount of people who have told me to be gentle and be patient and it will all come to me might be right but they are not here with me, I know they can empathize with my suffering but they are not me, we all have different ways of coping some of us find it easy and some of us find it hard I know I find it interesting to say the least because I have seen and done things that I don’t like, but they had to be done because it was for my own good. At the end of the day you came in this world alone and you will leave alone, even at night your shadow leaves you, that is something someone I cared about deeply used to tell me. You are responsible for your life even though in a society you have to follow the rules, you have to be led by other people, whatever you say about your life doesn’t go, your life isn’t your life anymore, you can’t do anything you want, you are always monitored but it is for your own good they say. To some extent it is but sometimes it gets overwhelming, I have been on both sides of the scale when it comes to privacy and my conclusion to it is that in a society where most of our time is spent digitally on the internet there is no privacy, if someone really wants to get you they will get you and that is the reality of being connected with a lot of people at one time…
Saturday.
Smooth.
When everything goes as you expect that has to be one of the best things that one can ever wish for. When you push something and everything opens up for you, when you say you want to do something one way and it actually works the way you want it to, the people you care about having everything go their way, the people you worry about end up being fine, these are dreams that we all pray for. I want it all to be perfect, I want to be there for myself every time, I want to be accountable for my life, I want to have everything I can, I want to be excellent, I want to be okay, I want to be called the person I want to be called, I want to do things that will make other people like me, I simply want to exist in a society and I want to be a part of why it is a functioning society. I can’t control everything that is around me but I know for a fact I can control some things that are within me, I try to do my best to become the person I want to be not because I want to but because I have to. I have to care about other people, I have to care about myself, I have to care because if I don’t then why am I here, if I don’t care then what is the point of living, what is the point of being in a society, the society gives so much to me, I want to find a way to give something back to it. I don’t know anything about electricity and yet I wake up every morning and turn on my lights, I don’t know anything about the functionality of the internet and yet I browse it all the time, if only I could give something back.. But what? I am still trying to figure it all out.
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
