A One Jerry.
Art : Smoke.
By Sakuan.
These are the thoughts of a man named Jerry, he is a tricky one, he once opened up to me, he once felt this, he opened his heart to me and shared some of his life experiences with me and I deem myself lucky to have that, he was truly a fine man, what a shame his demise was.
JUICE. Saturday.
LAW. The law and knowing your rights. When talking about this I do believe the one thing that is moving us back is the same thing that moves us forward, dealing with that kind of situation can be challenging, how do you deal with the one thing that is both good and bad for you? How do you overcome something that makes no sense? How do you get rid of something that can help and destroy you at the same time? The technicality of the law is what moves it back and it is also the same thing that moves it forward, the law deals with technicality which is a great thing, it is also the same thing that moves it back. The technicality of the law is the main reason it is at the spot where it is at, both the good and the bad of it comes from technicality, I can’t judge it or blame it because I do believe at this point in our society that is the best we can do, that is a method that works for us right now and we will keep on using it until something better pops up. The technicality of it all spoils us and gives us this shield that we can always hide under, there are certain things that get you in trouble and those same things can be what takes you out of the same trouble, now how do you handle something like that? How do you manage your life when the thing that makes some people see you as a good person is the same thing that makes others see you as a bad person? Maybe these are just the rumblings of a mad man but let me tell you something this mad man is here to stay and this mad man has thoughts, this mad man can’t be silenced, I heard everything has a price, maybe I do too, who knows, maybe I can be silenced after all. No one has ever approached me with an offer and I would be naive to think that no matter what I am offered I would always stick to my principles. Maybe I would or maybe I wouldn’t, all I know is that that would be a challenging battle for sure…
SOUR CANDY. Sunday.
WAR. We go to war, sometimes it is not necessary but we feel like we have to, we do it to protect our families, we do it to protect our sanity, we do it to become what we love, we do it not because we love it but because we don’t have any other choice. It is 2023 and we still have countries fighting for land, it is 2023 and we are still struggling with racism. I don’t think some wars will ever end and it is not because we don’t want them to but rather it is hard or next to impossible to end them. Let’s talk racism for a moment, the reason why it keeps on prevailing and will never end is because of what it is at its core, that being discriminating against someone or a group of people based on their race, this is a hard thing to end as a society because people like to find reasons as to why things are happening to them and when there is not a clear reason or explanation than the simple conclusion some of us come up with is racism. It has been my experience that once you have convinced yourself of something, it is hard to have your mind changed by someone else, especially if you are not willing to listen to the other side, or willing to accept you might be wrong and this is prevalent especially if you are in front of society’s eyes. Some people are raised racist without even knowing what they practice is the true definition of racism, they end up doing and saying things that are racist toward other people without ever realizing it and it is sad, especially when society for some reason expects anybody who is eighteen years or older to know better. Why is that the magic number? Eighteen. When you commit a crime when you are seventeen years and eleven months old you are judged as a minor and people are more understanding. If you were to commit that same crime a month later then you would be looked at and judged as an adult and society will shame you for not knowing any better, it is possible for someone to change their fundamental ways of living and behavior in just a month? Why is eighteen the magic number, who picked it?
Back to war. Want to find a reason for your failure? Well, attributing your failure to racism is a good scapegoat, it might be a valid assumption on your part, and rightfully so but the question is what are you going to do about it? Try to succeed despite of it, which a lot of people have done before. Or spend your whole life trying to fight and end it which no one has successfully accomplished in the thousands of years that human beings have lived together? What makes you think you are the one?
ALLURE. Monday.
SCRAMBLED. Chaos in my head, I feel like I can’t go anywhere with myself these days, there is chaos all around me and I don’t know how to stop it, the time has come for me to be more patient with myself, the people around me have warned me of what I could end up being if I am not careful. Of course I listen to them but I don’t do anything about it because there is nothing I can do about it, I exist in a reality that has me talking to myself from time to time wishing I was something else other than what I am. I don’t know what else to do, today I speak up because I am tired of living like this, I am tired of experiencing my life like someone who has nothing to lose, I have lots to lose. This is a life full of potential we are talking about, I care about what I do and I care about what I become, this is something I am passionate about, this is something that I can only imagine, this is something that I strive to be, I strive to be the best person I can for those around me. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, sometimes that is what it feels like when I am around other people, I eat the dirt and put my chin up and keep on walking, what else can I do? You might be the person who calls on people when you are in a jam. I have a question, when they don’t listen what do you do? I don’t know what to do in most cases and that has been the story of my life since I was knee-high.
Why do you belong in a place of hate, just because something didn’t go your way doesn’t mean the whole world has to pay for that, behave yourself, be the person people would someday admire to be… These chaotic thoughts will not win, I refuse to bow down to them.
FIT. Tuesday.
Life can be so beautiful if you let it, if you also let it it can flip out of control and you will find yourself holding onto thin threads, that is a place you don’t want to be in. Some people suffer and they don’t know what to do, most. I have sailed that boat once and it is not a beautiful calm ride, I will tell you that much. Getting out of any hole is hard, but that hole is a whole other beast that I wouldn’t wish on those that I love. Some people strive when they are challenged and some people wither, what type of person are you? I have gotten myself into trouble before and it wasn’t a good place to be, I wasn’t in there because I wanted to or loved to, sometimes things happen without a clear explanation as to why they are happening, and it matters what you attribute the fault as to why they are happening because that will guide you throughout how you live the rest of your life, the decisions you make matter, good or bad. When things don’t go as you want them to, what do you do? What type of person are you?
When I hear people talk about things they are into, I wonder at times, what makes you different from me and why are we here still trying to understand what the next person is? Is that human nature? Are we always trying to understand ourselves so that we can be better or so that we can’t go overboard with the things we do? Maybe both? Do you care about what happens to you? Do you mind being in a tough spot and figuring it all by yourself? Or do you like a little bit of help here and there? Asking for help is something that I have always found a little uneasy, not because I am scared but because I don’t know how to do it, even worse, sometimes I don’t see the point of involving other people in my problems.
PITY ME. Wednesday.
I want what I can’t get, I admire you and I want you to be mine and I want to be yours, why wouldn’t you let me in? These are the words uttered to this one beautiful human being, Delilah, she liked it, is this what I have been missing out on all along? Why didn’t anybody tell me about love? Genuine love and not some mere confusion or lust. I wish life was always like that, I wish life always worked out the way you wanted it to or imagined it to. That is just but wishful thinking, what do I know what is best for me and what is not? If I always knew what was best for me then what good would existing in a society be? There are people out there who are always willing to help you when you find yourself in a jam, wait I thought you knew what was good for you, why would you need help?
I am where I am today not because I am great, not because I know everything but because I have learned from others, you need other people, you need a society. Oh, you don’t? You think you don’t but you do, you overlook a lot of things that comes with being part of a community not because you are ignorant but because you don’t know to look for them, how can you know all about something when you didn’t know that thing existed in the first place? You are reading this through a device or a book that I am quite sure you didn’t make, somebody made it, for you to read this you needed them, and this is just one minor thing, the food you eat, the clothes you wear, the house you live in, unless you made everything I just mentioned yourself then you need other people, you need a community.
Talking, or being able to open up to someone, how do people do it? There are things that I have done that make me the person I am today, things that I would love to share with someone. Sometimes I can’t be bothered to be what the world thinks I should be, that is a tricky thing to juggle and to be honest I don’t know how to feel about it, is society right or are my guts right? In my first-world society, it is okay to do A and not B, but I think B is the right thing to do, who is right and who is wrong? In my third-world society is is okay to do B and not A, but I think A is the right thing to do, who is right and who is wrong? Same issue one person, two different societies, one society thinks A is right and the other thinks B is right. When in “Rome do what Romans do” but they are killing children.
You can clearly see and feel the sadness when you are around me, I die with all these feelings inside me, I wish I had someone to share these feelings and thoughts with, I wish life was good to me like it is to other people, even that in itself is a cliche because life to other people isn’t as great as my eyes would like to think, don’t believe everything you see.
TRUST. Thursday.
How do people do it? How do people have one-night stands? I could never see myself doing such a thing, how do you have sexual intercourse with a stranger without any care for your health or any care whatsoever for your freedom in this day and age?
It makes it even worse when alcohol is involved, you are not yourself when you are drunk, and these days anything can turn you into a sex offender since the law is all about technicality. Today feelings are worth more than facts, that is what it feels like or maybe I am looking at the wrong places. Today you don’t have to be anything, you can identify as anything as long as you follow your feelings, I don’t know how to feel about that. It is a weird time that we exist in, we have popular slogans like ‘believe all women’, how is that fair, are they exempt from lying, am I missing something here? I have seen people say we should believe all victims which is different from saying we should take every allegation seriously, how can we throw rocks at someone based on word of mouth, I am not comfortable with that, and I don’t know why that is just yet. I know a lot of people think this way and I know a lot of people would love to express their feelings on how they really feel, but then again they exist in a society that provides for them and for them to get the full benefits they need to abide by its current “laws” and right now the “law” seems to be something like, go against my beliefs get your life and family ruined, I don’t want to hear your side of things, you are wrong and I am right, I am above you, now follow blindly to what I am instructing you to do.
When people say advertisers are the main reason online social platforms act the way they do, it makes me wonder, what stops all the platforms from banding together and say no to these advertisers if they really cared like they portray to us? Money, money, money, how angry it makes me at times, money dictates everything, always has always will. It is not like these advertisers have unlimited places to promote their products. Am I missing something here? I know it is not that easy but neither is sticking to your morals and guts and yet there are plenty of people who do exactly just that.
SERENADE. Friday.
“Why do you love me?” She asked me once on a rainy Saturday night as we were cuddled up on my couch watching a movie. Her head laid against my shoulder and my right hand holding her close to me, I really loved this woman, I would do anything for this woman, dare I say kill for her.
“Well that is such an easy thing to ask but a hard thing to answer, where do I start, I am not sure it is possible to list everything because there is so much, so buckle up because I don’t know where this might end. What is love? I am not sure but if love is exactly what we think it is then I feel that towards you and more, there is no measure for this feeling I have towards you. I love you because you are always there for me, you always believe in me, when I am faced with a challenge you are always there to help me, you always encourage me, you take care of me, and you see me through all the pain, you see me for who I am, I am vulnerable when I am around you and that is something I had never experienced before I met you, you are a good problem solver. You want to have my children someday and you always say it, feeling it is different than hearing the words come out of your mouth, I love you. You don’t ignore my past, you understand my past is what made me who I am today, of course, I am not perfect in any measure and you understand that. You didn’t listen to your mother when she told you I was a bad influence, she had her rights to warn you as she is a mother worried for her daughter, and I am sure we will too when we have our own. My past is something that I can never escape from, you helped me through it and you still are. Now your mother loves me and understands me and that is all thanks to you and I will always love you for that, you help people get me, and you are always there to correct them when they mischaracterize me. You say you love me, I love hearing those words from your soft lips. You are a good kisser, When we make love, you know what gets me going and you always say the right things to me. My experiences with betrayals from my past made me lose trust in people, it was tough living at one point and then you showed up in my life and you showed me human beings can be good. Most importantly I love you because you give me hope… and what is a world without hope? I love…” As long-winded as I was, I still had more to say but before I could finish, her soft lips were against mine and her eyes were flooded. I was right, it was impossible to list every reason I loved this woman, she was my world.
These are just the thoughts and some experiences of a man named Jerry, don’t judge him for his thoughts but rather his actions. Long live Jerry.
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
