Self.
Art : Purple Rain.
By Sakuan.
BOTHER. Sunday.
There are things that bother other people that don’t really get to me and that got me wondering, am I the one who is the odd one out for feeling this way or are other people weird for worrying about things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things? Some people worry about life, about their lives, and where they are in life. At that moment life might not be going their preferred way but who really gets to make out plans and have them work out exactly as they pictured it? I would love for that to be the case but as we all know it is not, it can not be, we only get to control our own lives and that is if we are lucky, and even if you are you never get full control of it because you exist in a society that has its own rules, rules that you have to follow in order to be accepted, we are human we need that, we need others to see us, we need a community. “Freedom” You can say all you want and you can do all you want, but everything you say and do has to be in the confines of what is accepted, or else you will burn, people are different, which means sins are subjective. We cry, freedom this and freedom that, don’t get me wrong freedom is desirable, but it brings along tragedy, the tragedy being trying to figure out, “What now?” Keep in mind different people will do different things once they acquire this so-called freedom. Envy. With freedom, a thief will justify stealing because in his eyes it is not his/her fault that they don’t have much, it is society’s fault for not giving him/her a job every time they apply for one. What happened to seek and you shall find, ask and you will be answered?
CHANGE. Monday.
The day has come, the day for change it is October 2, 2023, and I know this is the day that everything changes for me, today I am starting on this new journey. A tough journey, a journey that has no beginning and certainly no end. I thought it was about time that I tried something new, it was time I made my own life my own. I was good before, and if I follow this path I will even be better and that is what I believe, I put faith in myself and wished myself luck too because I need it. I know for certain that things aren’t always going to go the way I expect them to go but that is life in a nutshell, that is the beauty of existing. This journey I am about to take is a scary one, not because of what it is but because of what it might bring. I am more scared of success than I am of failure, the reason is rather simple, I am well accustomed to failure, I have failed many times before, but success, well success is another beast, success is something that I have been in before and even then I didn’t know how to take it, all I did was exist in it without utilizing everything it came with, don’t mistake that for regret, I don’t regret how I went about it because at the time I did not know any better, now I have a few tricks under my sleeves, tricks that I know will come into use at some point during this journey, wish me luck, someone please pray for me because I need it more than you can imagine during these trying times…
ACCOUNTABLE. Tuesday.
Yeah yeah yeah, Keeping yourself in check by being accountable to each and everything that happens to you, there are things that happen around you all the time and if you are not careful you might find yourself thinking that every bad thing is happening because the world is against you, the reality is that in a lot of those cases it is by your own sword that you die. I know this for a fact and I have personally experienced how it can affect one’s soul. I used to think the world was against me, I used to feel like people did not understand me, I used to feel like people never got me, I used to think I was the odd one out in my society, that was never true and just because I felt it does not make it true, now I know I am not alone, there are people out there who go through the same things that I go through, I am not that special after all and that is okay. There is the rub, accepting that it is okay that I am not perfect and that is okay, one of the hardest things I have had to accept. The world isn’t perfect and you aren’t perfect either, what else would you like to hear? You are nothing but a speck on a floating rock in space. You can sometimes get whatever you want in life, there are people who work hard and their hard work pays, sometimes it might not feel like it paid, in most cases it does, it just didn’t pay the way we were expecting it to. When that happens most of us overlook the fact that it paid and end up cursing the world, humans. I was once told by someone I respected, “The time has come for you to stand your ground, the time has come for you to be a man, grow a pair will you.” Today we question what being a man even means…
VICTIMS. Wednesday.
Why do people seem to drift towards victimhood? I have been on that boat before and I can’t seem to figure out the answer as to why I was there or why we keep staying there. It is a serious issue, clearly, yet we don’t seem to care, or it looks that way. It sounds good to be the person that things happen to, that it? Do we see other people for what they have and take them for a walk in our heads? Of course, we have all gone through tough times, of course, we have things that we can do to secure our comfort in our respective societies and yet we choose things that don’t matter at all. I have seen pain and I have seen hurt and yet I can’t really put a finger as to why some people claim victimhood when they aren’t, there has to be something there. I have run a whole lot of miles and yet I seem to be going nowhere. It has to be for attention, wanting more eyes on you, wanting for people to care for you, maybe you didn’t have that growing up and now you are taking it out on the world? I think I was down this path before and I am glad I caught myself before it was too late, sad thing about being in that place is that in your eyes you feel like what you are doing is the right thing, but in hindsight, you always look back and ask yourself what were you thinking? I can see that I was a troubled child with no guidance, and it doesn’t help that my parents had me when they were still young, still to experience the world for themselves, in some way they did not know any better but they did all they could and I will forever appreciate them for that and that is one fact that I will always stress…
LOVE. Thursday.
I don’t know what got into me, I don’t know what to do at the moment, love is such a strange thing, this is such a conundrum, this lady that has my heart in a cage I can’t seem to get rid of her, we argue at times but then we make up. I used to be one of those guys who always said that I wouldn’t keep up with a woman who did certain things to me, but then I got into this thing they call love and I realized it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be, what is that? Why do we get ourselves into these feelings, these feelings are hard to fathom. When I was single I used to dream of being in a relationship and now that I am in one it is hard to fathom not being in one, I can’t believe I lived for so long without being in one, it is such a beautiful thing, I actually like how it feels being in love. It is an interesting experience that is for sure because all my life I never had someone to share my feelings with, I had trust issues that I thought I would never overcome, and when I suffered I did it on my own, I took it like a “man”, I did not cry to anyone, I died with my struggles and thoughts. Today I get to share my world with this one person, and they are here for me, I still struggle at times when thoughts of doubt of her love for me go through my head, I know it is silly, I guess you can’t fully get rid of trust issues once you have been greatly betrayed once. Trust is such a hard thing to earn or give. People cheat in relationships, I get why, but just because you have a reason to, it doesn’t make it right, I keep learning as these days go by…
A HACK. Friday.
The day of the hackers. Are you a hack and are you proud of it? I would like to think I am not and I know why, I could have surely been one at one point and there would have not been any coming back from that as far as I know. I don’t think people become bad because they want to, something must have happen for that to occur, maybe I am wrong maybe some people are bad because they want to. How can that be? How can one become that? What can you say to me when I ask you a question about what bad is and what good is? Why are lifestyles so skewed from community to community, I wonder and I will always wonder because that is what we do as human beings, that is all we can do at times when we have no answers yet, wonder, a sense of wonder is always refreshing, in that moment you get new perspectives of the world, you get to understand where people come from, you get to understand the human mind and that is a beautiful thing to me. Have you ever asked yourself whether you deserved what you had or not? And if so do you think you deserve what you have? I think I do and that is okay, I worry at times that my way of thinking can corrupt who I am as a person but that is okay because you need to challenge yourself when it comes to some of these things, you have to put yourself in the shoes of a monster to understand the monster and avoid becoming it at some point in your life. We are all victims and heroes of our own realities, the day is still young you can still change there is always time to do good and there is always time to do bad, the question is what are you going to do? Which side will you choose?
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
