Who is your ENEMY?
Art : My Heart.
By Sakuan.
My name is Gabriel, I was named after an angel, that is such a huge shoe to fit, I don’t think I can ever live up to my name, such a puny soul encumbered with such a big respected name, who am I to live up to it, a mere existence, why burden me with such responsibility? I accept who I am and these are just but thoughts I am about to tell you, take them how you will, just remember I AM NOT THE ENEMY.
THE MAN UPSTAIRS.
I love you, but you have flaws, like every other human being, who am I to think that I am right, who am I to say that you’re wrong? I still love you despite all the flaws I am told you have. You provide, you take away all for my own good you say, is that really true? Are you real, do you mean the best for me, they say I have a choice, do I really have one? Why is everything good your cause and everything bad my cause, how is this fair? I’ve been asking a lot of questions lately and nobody seems to have a direct answer to me without a rebuttal that they can’t answer, and sometimes the answers don’t make sense to me, I guess I am to accept you for who you are for I cannot keep relying on you all the time, I am to have a life of my own and it is time for me to take the driving wheel.
Dad, is that you?
The man upstairs seems to know it all, and HE sure acts like it all the time, HE wants the best for me and those that I call blood. HE wants the best for us all, this I know because of all the sacrifices HE has made so far in his life, why else would He sacrifice so much for us if HE didn’t mean well, ego? Well, I guess that is the right kind of ego then. HE has a kind heart but just like everyone else, HE is a product of his nurture, and nurture to me encompasses both the people who raised you and the environment to which you were raised in. HIS mentality is still rotten, but only at times and I can’t blame HIM for that no matter how much HE breaks my heart and the hearts of those HE calls blood, I understand HIM, or at least I try to. Why do we have to be humans? Sometimes it gets so hard that I resort to that question. We are just but a piece of flesh and bones with feelings and thoughts, who do we think we are to be of such delicacy, people of different minds and different dreams, some want nothing but honest work, make a decent living without any added stress and some want to build empires and leave their print on this world, a legacy. Two different minds and dreams, both of the same bloodline with the same nurtured background, and that is the beauty of it all, that is the beauty of life, we all have different life experiences and ways to interpret such experiences no matter how similar these experiences are. The man upstairs foresees us down here and hopes we make something out of our lives, I want that too, I want to make something special out of my life, an honest work, maybe a legacy, definitely a legacy, for I am who I am and I am this way because this is who I was to be, and I hope the man upstairs understands that or gets to understand me, I hope he gets to see the fruits of his labor someday.
PERSPECTIVE.
So complicated, to fathom it I can’t even start or know where to. We all have different perspectives on different things. I wonder what makes a man break into a house and steal, it might sound as easy as is, maybe they want money, if that was the case then why can’t they try and get a job which won’t land them in jail? A product of their environment, who do we blame for that? At the end of the day you are responsible for your own life, it is not fair for the victims to experience your wrath and you get excused because you are a product of your environment, at the end of the day it is your job to do better. I understand it is hard but at the same time we have to look at the victims and how they suffer, it is not fair to them either, they get the short end of the stick when they end up with a bullet in their head because you are a product of your environment, how fair is that?
…
Perspective is a hell of a drug, it depends on how you use it and that is why I refer to it as a drug. It can help cure your soul or it can ruin your soul entirely, and that is if you have one, to begin with. This is a thought that has always been at the back of my mind every time I find myself wondering about all the unjust things that people go through and how they could be happier or more accepting/ understanding of the situation if they had a little bit of perspective. Sometimes I sit down and ask myself, “am I supposed to feel bad when something goes wrong where I live, a first-world country?” I ask this because every time something bad or an unwanted thing happens to me, I’m reminded and sometimes I remind myself that I have it better than most people out there, that being the privilege of living in a first-world country, the best country to be alive in, I’m lucky to call it my home. I’ll be honest at times I use that perspective for the betterment of my life but sometimes I don’t allow myself to feel the human emotion of sadness, hence I don’t learn anything from a specific experience, can you blame me? It’s hard when every time you feel sad you tell yourself there are people who got it way worse than you so you shouldn’t feel the way you feel, you being sad is a privileged feeling so stop it and grow a pair. Does it being a “privileged feeling” mean it’s wrong? Riddle me that, please. Am I not supposed to cry when I feel sad because there are people out there who got it worse than me? And my tears are said to have stemmed from my victim mentality. Like I said the way I use perspective sometimes ruins me more than it builds me. Perspective is a drug, it’s how you use it that matters. I’m still fighting to learn how to use perspective in a helpful way, I hope I get there someday, this is a bumpy road, and having car sickness on top of that doesn’t help the situation at all.
DREAMS.
Chasing, chasing, chasing…
Running, running, running…
How come you never told me it was going to be like this? What I thought I would feel I don’t feel at all, sometimes I wish I went back to being who I was before my dreams came true, it is tough I can’t lie, why didn’t anybody tell me it was going to be like this? Nobody told me it was going to be this stressful, everybody told me to chase happiness, well I just got diagnosed with cancer, how can I still be happy or strive for happiness? Happiness is a luxury and I envy those with it. I am successful, most people dream of this, even though I got the short end of the stick when it comes to my health, at the end of the day I’d rather have this success than the life I lived before, being poor with this devil inside me, how could I ever afford to take it out?
The irony about being poor is the fact that it is expensive. I knew this since I was knee high, I knew being poor was expensive so I told myself to work hard and strive to be financially free, this is what I think about every now and then when I get the feeling of giving up, or the feeling of regret towards my success, even though I can afford expensive things, luxurious things, life isn’t expensive anymore for me. Money being a social construct hasn’t helped the situation either, that has only led to people doing things they shouldn’t do or wouldn’t otherwise do if it wasn’t for the sole purpose of acquiring wealth or making money. Why do we need money? Such a simple question and yet that is all we do every day, thinking about money and chasing money. Everything depends on it, food, shelter, and clothing all the three basic needs of life depend on money. Money is credited as being the root of all evil, not to me, money isn’t evil, ill-intended people with money are the root of all evil, even that is complicated because to some extent bad and good are subjective. Money does more good than bad, we can all agree on that as an objective fact.
The people I love, I love with all my heart, the people I hate I hate with all my heart, the things I put my mind to, I do that with all my might, I chase money in the form of seeking purpose, you chase money for the purpose of a healthy lifestyle, your friend chases money for the purpose of getting a companion, your uncle chases money for the purpose of buying a property, your cousin chases money for the purpose of a career, we are all chasing money for the purpose of hoping out dreams come true.
I say these words not to harm your feelings, I say these words because they are my thoughts, at the end of the day they are nothing but thoughts, take them with a grain of salt. Do what you will with them, I hope they help you in any way fit.
THE ENEMY DOES NOT CARE WHO YOU ARE.
Currently reading [God is Not One by Stephen Prothero]
