Jane Doe #1.
Art : J.D. #1
By Sakuan.
Jane Doe #1.
Yeah, I go by Jane doe, go figure. I think I am perfect now, I’m talking physically, and I get eyes from men in public all the time, that makes me “happy”. I couldn’t hold my thoughts back, they eventually became my actions, so please feel free to judge me all you want, but before that here is my story, sort of…
How can you blame me for what I am today, whatever it is that I am, whatever it is that you say I am? How is it my fault that I want people to think I am perfect, all my life I was told I was nothing, that is not the worst part, the worst part of it all is the fact that I believed it, I believed I was nothing, and the facts of my childhood didn’t help to dispute those allegations? I let that thought anchor me for most of my life, it made me become the person I always vowed never to become, silly me I guess. I am not happy with myself, I have no authority over my life, I don’t control my own thoughts, and I do things to please other people…
You see this Brazilian Butt Lift I just got, you think I did this for myself? I was insecure about my body, I wasn’t taught how to charm a man, and I was never taught how to live with other people, let alone myself. This self-hate of mine hidden in silicone, these insecurities of mine wiped away every night by a stream of alcohol or men who don’t qualify as acquaintances, silly me, poor me, I can’t even decide what I am anymore.
I have fun at work because the people I serve over there need me and that is a form of responsibility that I never knew I needed. I think that is what I want you to believe about me because that is what I tell myself when in reality it is a Superiority Complex, asserting my dominance over people that can’t do anything about it because they need me or because they don’t know any better. All my life I felt inferior to everybody even to myself, my own thoughts ruled me.
Nobody came to my aid when I needed them, I am responsible for my own actions, my own body my own future, my own everything. Sometimes I don’t respect myself and that is expected from someone like me. The things I have done to get attention, only God will ever know. These are my secrets to keep, these are my secrets to tell, and I am not ready to spill the beans. I almost fell in love once but that wasn’t me, how could I invite someone else into my life when I don’t have full control of myself? Every time someone says something nice to me, I always take it with a grain of salt, sometimes that helps but most of the time it ruins me, “how can you think I am beautiful when I don’t think I am beautiful, you must be making fun of me.” These thoughts that linger in my head have some truth to them, they might not be an objective truth but non the less they are my truth.
Words of affirmation, music to my ears. Every morning I talk to myself in the mirror, it has become a ritual, I have my own reasons, I make my own rules and I follow them as much as I can, at the end of the day I am human and I deserve to experience what real life is, not this facade of an experience I seem to be always going through. I wish I had a better family growing up, I wish my parents were always there for me, I wish I had the values of a proper woman, and I wish I was encouraged by my teachers to be a better person instead of being told I was fine the way I was. Fixing my insecurities with silicone wasn’t the way to go.
It has been *** and when you read this please understand the place I am in life. Judge me all you want, but the feelings I have, no words can describe them.
Jane Doe #1 out…
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
