SHEEP.
Art : THE WAY IT IS.
By Sakuan.
This is Paul talking, another day another rant to have, not really a rant when you think about it but more of a feeling or a truth if you must, I think a lot which makes me a thinker of some sort, not the kind that makes a change in the world but the kind that thinks just to challenge themselves. I have been on a journey to make the world a better place, of course, there are people out there who think the way I go about things is the wrong way, but how can I be wrong when there are people who support what I do and they tell me I am going in the right direction, there is no way I can figure out what is right by myself I need help, I think I am a sheep, not literally, it’s an idiom. These are my thoughts, I have acted on some of them and decided not to act on some of them because I am not well versed in a lot of things in this life to know whether they are right or wrong. Please don’t take my thoughts into account but my actions.
How do I know if what I think and how I think it is of my own doing? How can I tell if I am influenced to think the way I do? How can I become aware of myself if I am not aware of my surroundings, I can’t tell if it is real or fake. What if I have been living a lie all my life, a question denies me a shut eye from time to time? Am I a sheep or am I a shepherd of my own life, maybe a wolf in sheep's skin is more fitting. I can no longer decide what I am, I am losing grip on who I am, of who I could be and it is eating at me. I have survived for so long, who are you to tell me my way of life is wrong and yours is right? Why should I believe you when I don’t even trust myself?
I am not easily influenced, or so I thought.
I have a mind of my own, I am not easily influenced, I act on my own instincts, please believe every single word that comes out of my mouth, it doesn’t matter what you say to me, years I have in this life will not allow me to be easily swayed by the thoughts of the foolish, as I call them, they are foolish and I know everything there is to know about life, a quarter a century breathing this beautiful air isn’t a joke, trust me when I say I know everything, and did I mention how I am always right?
I take it upon myself to find out and do the right thing, or at least I try to. I define what is right and what is wrong based on my feelings. I know people who would do anything just to be on the “right” side of history, I don’t, if I make a mistake I take the consequences as they come, I am not afraid of the past, to be fair the future gets me spooked at times but at the end of the day, I am human, figures.
I wonder what my future brings, I hope I still have my mind and brain intact when it comes to reasoning on my own, I know for a fact that I can be great, but who is to decide what that means, what does it mean to be great? Being rich? Being successful in anything you do? Leaving a legacy? People knowing you as a good person? Helping the poor? Being praised for your deeds? All these can mean you’re great all it takes is for one to define what being great means to them. For me being great has no meaning just yet, I am still trying to understand what that term stands for. I hope one day I happen to be the definition of that term, maybe that is my ego talking but egos don’t have to be a bad thing, it is a human thing, we have egos, and some people take it too far and some have it as a form of defense, can you blame them though, in a world as tough as this we need something to shield us during tough times, so much for being a know it all, that is life, I guess.
Paul here signing out, I say a lot of words in the hopes that one day I will get where I want to go, highly unlikely considering the nature of life itself, but it doesn’t kill to try. It is true that I have been through a lot, and seen a lot, there have been a lot of betrayals in my life, lots of lies and half-truths and I am tired of them. Tell me how it is or do not open your mouth at all, I am tired of being babied into believing in things that make no sense on the practical side of things, I am tired of beings a sheep, how can one stop being a sheep? That is the question.
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
