THE STORY OF BLUE.
Art : PEARLS.
By Sakuan.
Don’t worry about my name, all you have to know is that I came, I saw, conquering wasn’t my strongest suit so I am still observing this thing we call life. I have been through a lot, I have seen a lot as you already know and I am here to speak about what I have experienced, I am here to tell you about things I have done and things that linger in my poor brain. The truth is more important than the consequence, so they say, you know what I say… well what if the consequence is death?
DEEP.
I sit here today thinking to myself, would my life be different if I did everything I ever wanted to do? And how different would it be? A positive different or negative different, I will never know, I am experiencing reality right now, and the stories of what I could have done are only in my head, dwelling on a mistake is not an option for me. These questions roam my head day and night, I go to sleep with questions and I wake up with even more questions. The things I do, I do in hope, I hope that the choices I make are the best choices. Some thoughts stay in my head longer than others and I don’t like that, sometimes these thoughts motivate me and sometimes they lead me into dark places. The number of things I do for the sake of it and the number of things that I do because I have to do them feel pathetic at times. This is my journey and I am grateful for all of those who are willing to go along on it with me, making something out of nothing is what I intend to do without the stress of being right or doing the right thing, but as we all know some things are inevitable. I have a dream, of living a beautiful life with those that I love around me, with the things that I love with me, I know that might be a lot to ask for but I don’t care I asked for them anyways and I will keep on asking for them because hope is all I have with me right now. I am not shy about the things I believe in I have never been, regret doesn’t knock at my door either, maybe that is a good thing, and I hope that is a good thing. I hope you lend me an ear, I love what I love and I am not ashamed of it.
SHALLOW.
The things I have done for you only God knows, is God even real? I have been to places, dark places if I may and still nothing positive to be said about who I have become, there is a lot of chatter when I walk past the people who I once used to call friends, maybe I have switched up, see I’ve been listening to them for so long, I think I am losing my ways. They are the ones who have switched up on me, they don’t see me complaining so why are they? It doesn’t matter what I feel right now, the truth is that I am who I am because this is who I chose to be and they are who they are because that is who I think they are, and sometimes I think they are they way they are because that is who I think they have to be. They might be right and I might be right I can’t know for sure, the only thing that I know is the fact that life can come to you quickly, sometimes quicker than one can handle, love did that to me once. My love life is in shambles, I can’t fathom anyone loving me anymore, and that is the problem, I don’t see myself as a good suite for anyone, there is no deep reason behind it, at least I don’t think so, I have never sat down and thought of myself as a good love candidate to someone after my first true love escaped me. I don’t know how to be someone else’s pillar, how does one become lovable? How did my parents and grandparents manage that? Don’t get me wrong, I see some flaws in their relationships but somehow both pairs have stuck together for over twenty-five years. How do you do that? Maybe the only way to find out is to open my eyes and jump into the unknown and see what happens, maybe I will be lucky like they were and maybe I will not, but there is only one way to find out, a leap of faith is what I have to take.
WAVES.
I have seen it all, I have seen things I shouldn’t have, I have done things I shouldn’t have, I have been to places I shouldn’t have, I have been to ceremonies I shouldn’t have, I have definitely been to ceremonies I shouldn’t have, I have experienced grief and pain, the dark places that pain took me I am surprised I got out of there alive and I didn’t get robbed of my hope. I want to live a meaningful life a life of purity, a life with beautiful outcomes, a life that I want, a life that I choose for myself, a perfect life, wanting is one thing, and getting it is another, at least I hope. I have done things that I shouldn’t have just for the chance of having the life I am talking about, I wish you could hear me, I wish my words weren’t falling on deaf ears, please understand me I am begging you, I never beg. Do whatever it is that you have to do to survive, I took refuge in that and that is exactly what I am doing right now. Nobody warned me of the baggage that comes with the lifestyle you seek, even if they did they are warning you based on their experience, we are all different, and we take and process information in different ways, what worked for you might not work for me. I have seen the pain the lifestyle I am chasing brings and yet I am still pushing for it because I know where I am right now is way worse, of course, I will be careful because I know I have my place and I know not to cross the line. Sometimes you have to cross the line just to see how far you can go and sometimes I think the line is there for a reason, it all comes down to how you view the world and how you interpret things, at least that is how I look at it. Life is full of confusion and I am definitely not special enough to be exempted from such dilemmas.
DROWN.
I see BLUE.
It is sad to see what I have put you through, my life as I know it is never going to be the same without you, I wish I was there when you needed me the most, my life is nothing without your life, you taught me so much, and now I am here sitting on this chair writing this letter that has no destination hoping it will make me cope with whatever it is that I am going through right now, people call this grief, it hurts. I see people around me go and I have nothing to say, I know that someday I will have to go too and when that day comes I hope it is quick, I get chills every time I tackle or try to understand death, nothing ever shakes me the way the concept of death does. Life is precious, I hope there is somewhere we go after we are done with life, religion gives people like me hope. Maybe we are just trying to cope with death by believing there is a better place we will go after death if we live a righteous life, religion helps me cope with death and it is okay. I have done things that I regret and I have also done things that I wish I would have done sooner. I cry every time I think about what could have been if we were not where we were, why did you decide to let me go? I want to join you that is how crazy I feel right now, I hope I meet you again someday, I will never get over this grief, I will never get over you, how can I move on with my life, nothing is important anymore, nothing can be taken seriously anymore, you were the person who helped me cope with whatever it was that I was going through, I still love you and forever will, till the end of my days.
I lost my precious gift, it feels like I lost my own life when you lost yours, I remember the day it happened like it was yesterday, and I still have nightmares about it. People tell me it will get better, when will it get better? It has been over a year and I’m still yet to forget about you, I cry every night, I don’t know how to move on, how can I replace you? I know you would have wanted me to move on, easier said than done. I don’t know how to cope anymore, I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know who to open up to anymore, you were the only person I was comfortable with, I could tell you anything. Every time I wake up next to an empty pillow I start crying, I am slacking at my job, my boss almost fired me last week for showing up late, he doesn’t know what I am going through, I never told him that I lost you, I don’t think it’s his business to know. I will weep in secrecy, I will always remember you, I hope one day I will be able to move on with my life, and I hope one day life gets better, now will be a good time to believe in a God because I really want to see you again, I hope heaven is real. You left me at a time when I needed you most, we were so happy together, you were pregnant when your life was cut short, it is not fair for you, for me, or our future baby, why does life have to be so cruel. I don’t know what to think anymore, every time I walk outside I know you are looking down at me and when I try to look back at you all I see is BLUE.
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