BRANDISHED THOUGHTS FROM HIM.
Art : HER
By Sakuan.
THERE SHE GOES.
There goes the girl who broke my heart, my pretty little heart, this fragile thing inside my chest, what a shame. Look at me feeling sorry for myself, pathetic, my eyes are dry no more rain pours from my marbles, it’s been a long time since I’ve had such a feeling, an empty soul, that’s how it feels sometimes, this emptiness inside me and the only thing filling it up is LOVE, at least that is what I think at the moment. This loneliness never seems to go away, someone please help me, anyone? Why does it have to hurt this much, what is the point of life without who you LOVE, how do people go on? After a breakup life seems so useless, again why does it have to hurt this much, why didn’t anybody ever tell me that it was going to sting this much? WHY? why can’t my body accept it, why do I have this crater of a hole in my heart, I feel empty, empty like an abandoned house, empty like a soulless body, and as we all already know an empty life always leads to dumb and poor decisions, I’m pretty sure I’m not exempt of that.
Today I woke up and next to me she was not, my lips were ready to meet hers like they always did every morning, my arms were ready to engulf her body like they always did every morning, my cold body was ready to be warmed up by her warmth like it always did every morning, my nose was ready to ingest her beautiful scent like it always did every morning, my ears were ready to hear the magical words of “ I LOVE YOU BABE” like they always did every morning, that moment of pure happiness and bliss shut down by the realization that she wasn’t there with me anymore. Now I realize that I took all of that for granted when we were together, these thoughts can kill, these thoughts can kill the strongest of men, these thoughts can break the strongest of women, yet they are still there, how can one cope, how can you get better, what is the antidote for this poison we call a heartbreak, is there such a thing, some say time is the only medicine for a heartbreak, I know that is right but what do I do now in this moment of pain? Now I understand why people go back to toxic relationships, it’s because of feelings like these, feelings of emptiness. No more “ I love yous” no more cuddles, no more kisses, no more intercourse, no more shoulder to cry on when you are sad, nobody to pick you up when you are down, nobody to support you and your goals. Now you see the world for what it is, you realize you came in alone and will eventually leave alone, what you do with your time on the journey is what counts, when will you realize this, when will you stop wasting time, get it together, if you don’t, nobody will, heartbreaks happen and people move on and so shall you, I wish it was that easy, I wish this journey called life was easy. Life isn’t easy in itself now accompany that with a heartbreak, I can only imagine the torture and discomfort one goes through…
CHASING MONEY.
GOD vs ME.
Today the one I loved asked me if I believed in God and my answer was rather surprising even for me: NO it was, but I call it the NO of the moment because I didn’t have time to think about my answer carefully. As soon as I said No I felt a heavy burden on my heart, being born and raised as a catholic I felt like I had just said the most blasphemous thing that could ever come out of someone’s mouth. I am religious by nurture and it is hard to get rid of old habits, if you want them gone you have to put in effort and work which I never did because for me personally religion has done more good than bad so why would I go out of my way to try and get rid of it?
NO, why would that be my response I wondered. The thought of there being a God is something that fades away with time if you DON’T commit to a religious belief, and you might wonder why would anyone ever do that, well the answer is rather simple, questions and curiosity of the “outside” world. Let us be honest, there are a lot of logical questions about religion that no one has the ability to answer or argue, one of them being the obvious one yet,” Prove that God is real.” I don’t believe there is anyone out there who can convince a non-believer, by non-believer I don’t mean that lightly I mean someone who genuinely doesn’t understand the concept of a God and why millions and millions of people would flock to such a belief, there is no way to convince him/ her that there is a God, with God belief is the first step, take that away and you can’t even begin the process. I had questions about religion and no one had the capacity to answer them or maybe the people I asked were not the right people, how come for the longest time I believed that the Bible was literal and I know I am not alone in this, most of the stories are just that, stories, stories that teach, because what was done in most of these stories is humanly impossible and unprovable, the fact that I believed they were all literal is why most people shift away from religion especially when they have questions like, “ if God created Adam and Eve and they had two sons, Cain and Abel, and Cain killed Abel and later had children, where did Cain’s wife come from?”
Life can be complicated at times, religion has shaped how we live today and we as a society whether a believer or a non-believer still have practices we perform that are religious/ ritual-like or practices that stemmed up through religion that we still practice. The most common and obvious ones are celebrating Christmas, funerals, and weddings. It has come to a point where it’s safe to say that society picks and chooses what they want from a religion. Christianity is the only religion that is so welcoming to everybody that they don’t complain or judge non-believers for partaking in their celebration called Christmas, at least once a year the whole world halts and celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ, God’s Son Himself, I wonder if that counts for something in God’s eyes, that is if He is real, does it really matter why we celebrate it, is God happy either way? And all of this is assuming that Christianity is the right religion and not Islam, Hinduism, or any other religion, so there is also that gamble…
BELIEFS AND LOVE.
Prove to me that God is real, well I can’t, now you prove to me that love is real. Prove to me you believe in God, no, you prove to me you love your wife or husband. What is a belief? According to the dictionary, a belief is an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.
The acclamation of there being a God is a belief, it’s a feeling one has, some feelings to some extent are beliefs, with this in mind I came to realize that Love itself might be a belief. There is no way to prove you love someone, same as there is no way to prove that God is real. So if the two statements are real why do more people believe in Love and not in God, to you this might be an easy answer, so you think. How are you okay with believing in LOVE if you can’t prove it, that begs the question is it okay to do good even if it is in bad faith, some people might argue YES and some NO, it all depends on where you stand when it comes to yours and other peoples moralities. For example, a politician who does something great not because they want to help but because they want votes from their constituents, does that really matter in the grand scheme of things? In a lot of people’s eyes this is a sign of LOVE from the politician, but if a feeling can be easily manipulated then why do we keep instilling our trust in everyone in the name of hope? A question that keeps me up at night. Even though the politician helped in “bad” faith does that really matter when the hungry are fed and the homeless are sheltered? That’s a thought for another day but let’s get back to the magic word, “TRUST” this one word is the whole foundation of love, putting your trust in someone is something that should be done with a lot of care and thought behind it, there is one caveat to this, and that one thing is something that is part of us, something that can’t be changed, something that everybody is from the moment they start to exist to the moment they seize to, and that is the fact that we are HUMAN, meaning our trust can be manipulated, we can easily be fooled, your trust can be betrayed, even after this inevitable possibility we still believe in LOVE, why? what really is this thing called LOVE?
Person 1: Prove to me you love me.
Person 2: Prove to me God is real.
Person 1: I can’t.
Person 2: Trust me, I love you.
I EXIST.
I exist in an interesting world, a world where right and wrong are widely subjective, a world where most people see a lot of things and issues as black or white yet here I am seeing most as gray, I tend to see both sides of things or try to before I make a decision that might affect my life a great deal. As time goes by I get more scared of involving myself with another person, romantically that is, when it comes to other people there is a feeling inside me that can’t wait to remind me of how stressful this thing called a relationship might be, for that reason I don’t usually pursue it like I know I should, especially for someone my age.
For a fact I know I’ll have to someday mainly because I HOPE to have a family in the future, this has been a dream of mine since I was knee-high. Life can be brutal, life is full of choices and I hope my choices when it comes to deciding who I want to share the rest of my life with isn’t as bad, for I know nothing is ever as you expect it to be.
Currently reading [God is Not One by Stephen Prothero]
