A Weird Topic about Death.
Art : In Blood.
By Sakuan.
I go by Derongi, my real name is John Thompson, my parents skipped the middle name for some reason, I don’t own one. Enough with the introductions. Please don’t judge me for what I am about to put my mind through, I might get emotional, pardon me if that happens, it might be refreshing thinking and writing about it, who knows. I know I’m not supposed to have negative thoughts at least that is what I am told, that is what I was always taught and I believed it, sometimes you have to go against the grain to get the fine outcomes in life, that is what I learned from the little time I’ve been alive, that is some mere twenty-five years. Please don’t judge my thoughts but rather my actions…
I’m on my deathbed right now, only a quarter of a century old, I’m going through a lot both mentally and physically, I’ve never been the one to grasp what death really was, and I assume so are most people out there, all I can say is that I’ve had such a blessed life, a quarter of a century isn’t enough to experience all that life had to offer, but it was something. Looking back I can say a few things about the life I led:
I tried my best to do good by the people around me, the best of me came out more often than not, and I am proud of that.
My quarter century on earth wasn’t in vain, I did something positive with my life, at least I think I did. With the short portion, I was blessed with, I lived life the way I wanted to live it and I am proud to say I wouldn’t change it if I were to be given a second chance in experiencing it all over again.
I found myself.
No matter how dark it got I tried my best not to get lost in the dark.
I always tried to do what was right, at least what I thought and believed to be right.
With the different mindsets I had at different intervals in my life I always tried my best to do the right thing.
I wrote and made art every day and it gave me purpose, life didn’t seem useless after all.
I hope someday people would appreciate what I created, that is all one can do, create, and hope people will gravitate towards your work. Some give up before they get to enjoy the fruits of their labor, I never gave up even though I always knew I would never get to enjoy the fruits of mine.
I’m satisfied with the path I took in the short period I had in this place we call earth, even though the path didn’t amount to a lot of connections and friendships, I still got fulfillment out of it, it might not have been a financial one, but I got to be sane and understand myself better in the process, I got to appreciate life more. I had a reason to live… and the focus on that is more important than the focus on financial success, in my opinion.
I found a way to articulate myself better through my writing.
I never smoked or consumed alcohol for the 25 years that I’ve been in this world, or abuse any substances during that short time, and I’m proud of that.
I got to listen to the most beautiful songs in the world.
I got to see beautiful art, and I had a chance to make some myself.
I didn’t get stuck in chasing money, at one point I was lured into doing just that but I caught myself in time. I followed the path to financial freedom in a healthier way, I tried doing what I thought to be right and I was happy with it.
I got to play some of the best video games ever created.
I hit a realization in my life that helped me change my poor habits and do more productive things, in that I’m lucky since a lot of people never get to this point.
I am proud of my art and my writings, good or bad, at least I can say I created something that didn’t exist before I was born, something that might help other people out there.
I finally found a way to love myself.
Of course, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, there are things I haven’t done yet, and it makes me sad that I didn’t get to do them. Some I should have already done but for one reason or another I did not get the chance and some I had plans of doing but time wasn’t in my favor, that’s life I guess:
I wish I had a few more years so that I could get the chance to have children of my own.
I didn’t get to have someone of my own choosing who had my back, someone who would go to hell and back for me and me for them.
I didn’t get to have someone that wasn’t part of my family that I really cared about.
I didn’t get to experience what eros love was all about.
I didn’t get to help my parents experience what financial freedom felt like.
I didn’t get to experience what financial freedom felt like.
My hard work in art and literature didn’t pay off financially.
I didn’t get to cuddle with a significant other, yes, I always loved the thought of cuddling.
I didn’t get the chance to finish my art book.
I didn’t get to finish writing and editing some of my short stories.
I didn’t get to express my love to someone that I wanted to start a family with.
The world didn’t get to see my potential, poor them.
I didn’t get to make samples of my clothes designs
I didn’t get to help people as much as I would have liked.
I didn’t get to see 30.
I didn’t get to see 40.
I didn’t get to see 50.
I didn’t get to see 60.
I didn’t get to see 70.
I didn’t get to see 80.
I didn’t get to see 90.
I didn’t get to see 100.
I potentially didn’t get to see 105.
I potentially didn’t get to see 110.
I potentially didn’t get to see 115.
I potentially didn’t get to see 120.
I didn’t get to be loved romantically.
The biggest sad thing of all is that my parents will bury me instead of the other way around, that’s not fair, no parent should ever experience this, my sympathies go to all the parents who have experienced this.
In spite of everything I have rumbled about, there is one thing that I am proud of and will forever be even on my own death bed and that is :
I GOT TO LIVE MY LIFE MY WAY.
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
