Thoughts from Jack.
Art : It’s All Sugar.
By Sakuan.
Self.
Let us get this straight, again. What makes me right and what makes me wrong and why are you the person to tell me what is right and what is wrong? What if all along you are the one in the wrong and your projections are nothing but a farce? How can it be your fault for believing you are right and how is it mine for believing I am right?
Take care of yourself they say, well I do and yet nothing great comes from it, unless it is something that happens deep inside, something that I can’t see. Arguing with someone about things that can’t be controlled by anybody but me, I do complain at times especially when I see things that I don’t agree with or things that make me uncomfortable, I wonder what life is like without pressure, I wonder what life is like without responsibility, they yell at me for being who I am, how is that fair? But when I yell I am labeled rude. They say I am wrong for doing what I do, well give me an alternative, this is not fair for me you can’t expect me to be what I don’t know how to be, and you most certainly can’t punish me for it, I might be considered an adult based on my age but that doesn’t make me know everything a supposed adult should know, life is too complicated for you to assume that of me or of anyone, we all make mistakes, stupid mistakes. I get myself looking down at other people at times for what they do, I am fully aware of how wrong I am for that but I still do it anyways, I guess I tell myself at least my life is not as messed up as theirs, not being the butt of the joke sometimes is refreshing but that doesn’t mean anything if you are still guilty of being what you are, should I be apologetic of who I am? Some people will say no, and some people will say yes, well the answer is never that clear, just like every other thing in this complicated of an experience we call life. I am not perfect, I needn’t emphasize that…
Backbone.
What keeps you going? The fact that I have been through a lot keeps me going. The fact that there are people out there who care about me, people who have sacrificed a lot for me to be here, they are the reason I keep on going, I have seen things that could have pushed me away from my goals but the thought of all those who have sacrificed for me to be here is the reason why I keep on going. I have needs of my own and I have things I want to do, I dream too, I am human. Sometimes my dreams turn into nightmares and as we all know the only thing that matters is how you react to those nightmares, I would love to think I handle my nightmares the right way and with courage.
Sometimes the thing that pushes me back is acknowledgment, sometimes I want to be seen by other people and that only happens when I consciously or subconsciously compare myself to other people, this happens when I consume other people’s work and see how much they are admired and loved, or at least that is what it looks like from the outside, praises. Is it crazy for me to think or want that to be me someday, it is not that I need validation from them or maybe I do and I am merely convincing myself I don’t. I think them validating my work will show me that I am on the right path, that is my thinking, how does one know they are on the right path? Other people have to be involved for you to be successful, sometimes people have to tell you to be who you need to be, other people have to accept you for you to become successful in your respective society, you can’t survive alone you need other people to see you and you need to be a part of them first for them to contribute to your dreams…
Curiosity.
Shut up and do the work, nobody cares about what you’re going through, at least that is what I think, again maybe I am wrong and maybe I am right. I wonder how it feels to be known, I wonder how it feels to be appreciated, I wonder how it feels to be loved by someone of your choice, I wonder how it feels to wake up knowing your dreams came true, I wonder how it feels to be the talk of the town, I wonder how it feels to be in love, I wonder how it feels to love someone unconditionally, I wonder how it feels to be proud, I wonder how it feels to be a father, I wonder how it feels to lift up a trophy after winning something special, I wonder how it feels to be successful, I wonder how it feels to be whoever you want to be and be okay with it, I wonder how it feels like to be real, I wonder how it feels like to be fake, I wonder how teachers feel when their students disrespect them, I wonder what makes someone be okay with working at a morgue, I wonder what happens when we die, is there a hell or a heaven? I wonder what life was like before all the improvements we have made as human beings throughout the year, I wonder why people hated each other so much, maybe that has always been a thing throughout society, I wonder what it would take for people to spread love. I still wonder and keep on wondering when the time for change will come, I wonder how I can accomplish everything I’ve ever wanted to accomplish before my time runs out, I don’t want to be the reason people wonder how can a human being stoop so low, I want to be better than what I was yesterday, I wonder if that is possible…
The Mojo.
Getting the mojo back, how do you get your motivation back? What do you have to do to get that fire back, how do you do it? How do people do it? I have tried everything that comes to mind and yet nothing has clicked, I don’t know how to cope with it. This has led me to sit back and look back at everything I ever accomplished, everything that I have deemed significant throughout the years, I thought maybe that would bring the mojo back, you know help me remember how it felt achieving a goal, even that didn’t work. I know there is something I need to do I just don’t know what, nobody has all the answers, and at this specific time I most definitely have none. I wish there was someone out there who would help me get the answers, the reality stings, the reality tells me hiding behind someone to fix your problems is not a solution the solution has to come from within, only you can help yourself first because you are the only person who knows exactly how you are feeling and some feelings don’t have words, they cannot be explained by any human language. Imagine if I could snap my fingers and an answer pops out of nowhere, that is the dream, but as we all know most dreams never come true and those that do rarely come as expected, what do I do now? I am at a place where all I have is questions on top of questions and no one to answer them, when I was in school the teacher was always there to answer my questions there was some form of security, now there is no one to answer any of the questions I have, this has led me to be both the student and teacher of my life, and I assume I am not the only person that experiences this, surely not…
Time is just.
Is justice truly just? Are our laws the best we can do at the moment? They can always be better of course. There are certain laws that are divisive, rightfully so, because there are things that we can’t get over or come into agreement with and that is due to the different communities that nurtured us.
Let us talk about the prison system, depending on which political side you place yourself in this might make sense or not make sense. Instance, someone just took the life of someone you loved, someone that was close to you, once the culprit is caught they are taken to court and there is where everything starts falling apart when you start digging deep into what is taking place. You are in court and your eyes meet theirs and there they are sat next to their lawyer, and guess what, the lawyer turns out to have been appointed to them by the state, and that means your tax money is paying for the suspect’s legal representation, your tax money is paying for the judge who controls this session and after all is done and the ruling has been made you get to realize the longer the sentence they get the more sad and unfair you’ll feel, this is because your tax money will be paying for the livelihood of the person who just ended the life of your son or daughter, your tax money will be paying for their survival in prison. That is one way to think about it, despite all of that I truly believe this system is the best we can do as a society, for now at least. It is sad that we often find ourselves crying about how unjust the justice system is no matter where you are in the world. I personally give the justice system the benefit of the doubt because I understand it is not an easy task to control a society, especially one that has its first right as “Freedom of speech.”
These are sad times we live in, we are fortunate enough to live in these times, I can only imagine how bad it was before us.
More time.
I still think about this, and maybe I am wrong but then again, who is to say I am wrong if I make a valid point, the point I am talking about is how our society is slowly shifting into chaos, certain crimes don’t get penalized enough/ efficiently when it comes to the justice system. We have some people who don’t think petty crimes deserve prison or jail sentences their reason being it is a waste of tax money and then you have those people who actually own a small business somewhere and get robbed by the same people over and over again, these people are caught taken to jail get a bond of a thousand dollars or so then get out and go to the same store and steal again, this happens because the crime outweighs the consequences profit-wise, you go steal some merchandise that will bring in twenty thousand dollars or so, you’ll probably end up thinking what is a thousand dollar fine and a few days in jail? This is not fair to business owners, and when it gets to the lawmakers it always comes down to the two major sides, the left and the right. These two sides have different views on this and it is annoying to think that something as crucial as this comes down to lawmakers’ arguing points that make no sense at times. I know it is hard to run a successful society like the one we live in but come on, at least try to make it better instead of trying to make laws that favor the people that are going to vote for you, why are you trying to make laws that doesn’t punish people who commit these crimes. “They are a product of their environment, it is a systemic situation that has led these people to commit these crimes, they are the actual victims.”They say. What has our society come to when the people who are responsible for the public’s safety keep saying things like that and making laws that help people who commit these “petty” crimes? But then again I have never been in the shoes of these lawmakers and I have to assume it isn’t an easy shoe to fit in, on the other hand, that doesn’t mean they have to be corrupt and do everything they are pressured to do, sometimes it only takes the humanity in us to see what is wrong and what is right then try and make the appropriate decision.
How do lawyers do it? How does one sit there and defend someone who was caught on camera assaulting a minor or killing somebody? How do you sleep at night? How do you justify your doings? I guess they tell themselves that it is their job and that everyone deserves a fair trial as per by the law. My grandfather advised all his grandchildren never to take the law, never to be lawyers or judges, I was young at the time and I didn’t get it, but now I get it, it is too much to take in not to mention, lonely. Look at the victims’ family’s faces while trying to convince a jury that their client is innocent when deep inside they know their client is guilty, coming out with ways to argue points on a technicality and not facts, where is the humanity in that, doing all that for a dollar, but someone has to do it. Even if you don’t want to be a part of that, you are forced to be when you are called out to be a juror, you have to look at all the evidence that was mostly argued on a technicality and not based on facts, then you have to come up with a unanimous decision that might keep a guilty vile criminal out of prison or take an innocent hardworking mother of three beautiful children to prison for years and maybe life, but the jury could also make the right decision and put the criminal in jail and send the mother back to her precious offspring.
Currently reading [Women by Charles Bukowski]
