My Life Pt 2.

No intros since this is a continuation, let’s pick up from where I left, the topic was about not being easily influenced by other people. It’s a gift and a curse, in what way you might ask. First, it worked well for me in a good way because back in high school a lot of my friends smoked and drank like crazy and they always offered me the “goods” but I never caved in, it just didn’t make sense to me, and if something doesn’t make sense I tend not to do it, that in itself is also a good and a bad thing but that’s a story for another day. If I felt that something wasn’t justifiable I probably would have never done it and that’s what happened with me and romantic relationships, for the longest time I didn’t see the reason why I should or could be in a relationship that’s wasn’t platonic. There’s where the influence thing becomes negative because a lot of my friends back in high school encouraged and helped me get girls but since I wasn’t easily influenced I couldn’t justify why I needed one, to me it was not necessary. Little did I know the point wasn’t to have a girlfriend, the whole point of that social structure in any society at that young age is knowing how to be comfortable around people of the opposite sex or people you find attractive. The whole point was to get used to interacting with people you really liked, at the time the importance never occurred to me. I don’t really regret my decisions or way of thinking because the same way of thinking is the only reason I’m not a drug addict, and also why I’m so focused on my life.

I appreciate myself for having this mentality sometimes, and I’m not going to lie to you sometimes it sucks, especially when I realize how far behind I am in some parts of my life but then my hope shoots up the roof when I realize the same mentality has resulted in a lot of positive outcomes. It’s fair to say it’s both a gift and a curse, it has helped me be tough in difficult situations as well as weak in some, good thing is the situations I’m tough in are long term and those that I’m weak in can be fixed in a couple of months if I really put my mind to it. I think everything in life has a positive and a negative, you just have to pick which side matters to you more, and remember everything is subjective so choose wisely, at least that’s what I do and it’s worked for me so far. Some people just go with the vibe and live in the moment, I can’t even lie to you, sometimes I wish that was me, you know, just living in the moment. When I look at their lives I think it’s fun and I wish my life was that way, but it’s not, so what are you going to do about it Sam, I always ask myself, well dwelling is not an option all I can do is accept myself for who I am and move on. Dwelling doesn’t do anyone any good, and that’s something I came to learn over the years, so I try my best to avoid the shoulda woulda coulda. 

So about the relationship thing, I know it has its advantages and I was thinking the other day if you’re broke and single I feel like that’s even tougher than if you’re in a relationship, any type of relationship in that case. You have needs, if you’re in a relationship you have someone you can share your body with, we are fortunate to belong to a species of animals that can have sex for pleasure, I think that’s a good thing. You need someone to talk to when you have a bad day or even a good day, someone who you can share your life’s progress with, someone who cares someone who can truly lend an ear and care while at it, you need that someone in your life, because as human beings we are tribal. “I really don’t belong anywhere” that’s what I feel sometimes, but then I remember I have a family that cares and loves me (I feel weird even saying the word LOVE  because I’m from a culture where we don’t say that to each other, EVER). But that’s a given they love and care for me because I’m part of the family, I’m yet to find people outside of my family who care for me or share the love. Of course, I know that’s unhealthy but circumstances in my life made it impossible for me to build long-lasting relationships growing up because every time I thought I finally built some friendships I end up moving and the process starts all over again, you’d think I would’ve gotten used to it, but now, I’m an introvert and it’s draining, it’s goddamn draining.

Can we speak on dependency and whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing? Just like everything else we ought to be careful what we depend on. So should we depend on love, should we depend on something that eases the pain, should we depend on friendships? Doesn’t matter if it’s platonic or sexual, should we? Should we depend on something that makes us feel good? What if that thing is not there tomorrow, now what do we do then? Find something else, is life just about grabbing onto the next branch to swing on and never looking back? The best example of dependency that everybody is aware of is drug addiction, is that a good thing or a bad thing, of course, it’s a bad thing but a lot of people dismiss drug addicts without even caring why they’re addicts in the first place. If you dig deep into some people and why they decided to use drugs you’d probably realize that drug usage was the easier way out for them, the other way was either death by suicide or committing murder. So in that scenario was a dependency on drugs a bad thing or a good thing. I know you might say but Sakuan they could go out there and seek help. They could but you’re failing to realize that we as human beings, even you yourself have been in a situation where you’ve felt like something was only happening to you and that you’re unique, be honest with me you think, or there’s a point in your life, or even there are points in your life to this day where you feel like you’re unique. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that but the same addicts are human beings and they feel that too, so if you dismiss them and saying “well with whatever they’re going through they could have gone out there and sought help before defaulting to drug usage” it’s hard to even think about outsourcing help when you feel like whatever is happening to you is only happening to you, it’s sad (no joking I just teared up writing that ha) 

Love, what is it and why is it so powerful and why do people even care about it, I mean it’s just a feeling so why is it a big deal, is it overrated or underrated? To this day scholars are still trying to figure out human emotions and why things and people affect us as they do. I salute women because they’re more accepted in this world, as a matter of fact, I salute anybody who’s accepting and friendly to anybody they meet on the street. Let’s say a girl is walking down the street and you see her, she’s beautiful and attractive to you so you decide to talk to her, the nerve, right? So, you strike a conversation with her and she’s friendly, she has no reason to be, but she gave you the benefit of the doubt. Some people don’t look at it that way, they take it as “I’m trying to talk to somebody so they should talk back to me” and if they’re ignored then they think she’s entitled, no you’re entitled, for all she knows you could be a serial killer or a perverted weirdo, but you think so highly of yourself to a point where that thought never occurs to you. See where I’m going with this, let’s say she gave you the benefit of the doubt and she gives you her number, well WTF, she doesn’t even know you and now you have a chance to meet with her again and this time it’s going to be even more intimate since you’re both going to hang out for maybe a few hours. Human beings are nice.

Of course of course of course, let’s talk about jealousy, there are those who are brave enough to admit they get jealous from time to time and there are those who think they’re above the natural human feeling, finally there are those who’ve worked on themselves and tried to take care of that feeling. The latter, yeah that’s me, as I said of course I get jealous sometimes, I truly believe it’s a feeling just like happiness or sadness, so it’s only natural that I feel it from time to time, not as much anymore because throughout the years I found out how to conquer it. I don’t know why writing this makes me feel uneasy but it’s necessary, so I’ll keep on going. I used to get this feeling when I watched something, let’s say a successful person being interviewed and deep inside a feeling will take over me and I found myself turning the interview off, I did this regularly. So, one day I sat down and just thought about why I did that, the only explanation was that there was a part of me that was jealous of their achievement. After the rude awakening, I felt like a trash human being. I did my research and concluded, the feeling was normal. Getting jealous is normal, it’s the feeling of someone having or taking what you think is yours or something that you think you deserve. When somebody talks to your significant other and that weird feeling creeps up, you know that feeling? The feeling that they’re taking what you think is yours, they’re taking who you think you deserve. Rightfully so the jealousy is justifiable to some extent because you and your partner had an agreement that you belonged to each other solely, but right in front of your eyes you see your partner breaking that agreement, or so you think. Don’t ignore that feeling because it’s dangerous, find what works for you and take care of it because if you don’t, it’s downhill from there on and that feeling sucks, trust me.

Let’s touch on denial, what is it and why is it also important to acknowledge, according to google denial is the “refusal to admit the truth or reality of something” now isn’t that something, imagine having thoughts and feelings about something but refusing to acknowledge them. It’s crazy how some people go through denial but don’t even know it, this is why education is important, and I’m not talking about formal education. The type of education I’m talking about is when you go out of your way to learn more about yourself and other things that might be useful to you in life, it could be anything. Here comes the most important query, let’s say you have studied yourself and realized denial is apparent, what do you do then? do you give in or do you fight it? For me the answer comes down to what the denial at hand entails, is it drugs, is it love, is it betrayal from someone close to you? Even after figuring that out, you have to factor out how it’s going to affect you and the people around you after you take action. Life isn’t that simple, of course, there’s still more to think about before you act and one of the most important things to consider is, are you able to live with a good conscience after you’ve acted. These are all the factors you need to consider; I know it’s not fair when all you want is to live a simple life. What if you’ve already decided what to do without thinking about how it’s going to affect you? Should you be filled with premonitions? that’s highly plausible depending on the magnitude of your choices. For me at least this is where the concept of living a stoic life might be helpful if you’re up for the challenge, yes it is a challenge, life is a challenge.